Everybody loves a good gift, but there are times in life when someone deserves a bad gift -- an in-law who likes to throw shade at you when you visit, that guy at work who constantly mispronounces your name, the boss who has never seen Star Wars or that useless person in accounting who couldn't solve your payroll problems for over a month.
You didn’t choose the troll life, the troll life chose you. Whatever your reason, we’re here to help and have 10 poor gift ideas that you probably shouldn’t give to anyone other than your best friends or your worst frenemies.
One-Ply Toilet Paper
Why does this even exist?
Arguably a human rights violation in several nations, one-ply toilet paper should not exist. These atrocities are in shopping malls and office bathrooms everywhere -- likely a conspiracy to keep you from using these bathrooms, because one-ply toilet paper is stupidly delicate and will shred apart when used for anything, leaving you with terrible memories. 24 rolls of the stuff will likely lead to some kind of psychotic break.
LEGO is always a great gift, unless they're fake.
Genuine LEGO is fun for all humans aged one and up, as it's the gold standard when it comes to building blocks. Anything less than real LEGO is an abomination and enthusiasts can be easily triggered with the phrase “LEGO compatible.” Imitation bricks are
usually always terrible and never seem to fit perfectly with real LEGO because the build quality is so poor. If anyone happens to tell you that “they’re the same thing,” politely but firmly tell them to get out of your life.
It's small. It's from Apple. It's a bad gift idea.
An iPod Shuffle isn’t the absolute worst thing you can gift someone, but it’s arguably less useful than that $399.00 Apple book. It’s only 2GB, there’s no screen so it’s a pain to navigate, it charges with a flimsy proprietary cable and perhaps worst of all -- you’re forced to use iTunes to manage your music. The iPod Shuffle is a definite oddball and a subscription to Apple Music or Spotify is a much better option. Unless you’re a small child or fine with antiquated technology, friends don’t let friends use the iPod Shuffle.
Gift Cards to Awful Places
When you get a gift card to a store you hate.
Gift cards can be a nice (albeit lazy) gift, but there are a few scenarios where a gift card will forever ruin a friendship. One of these scenarios is giving a gift card to an awful store, forcing your recipient to visit to a dreadful place they wouldn’t otherwise go. A fine example is a Coffee Time gift card, as the universally accepted coffee hierarchy in Canada goes McDonald’s/Second Cup/Starbucks/Tim Hortons > water > Kopi Luwak > Coffee Time.
Gift Cards with a Low Balance
When you get a gift card to your favourite store but it's under $5.00.
Conversely, gift cards to stores like Amazon, Best Buy, Hudson's Bay or any big-name retailer are always a delight to get, because chances are high that you’ll shop at these stores eventually. But delight quickly turns to rage when your recipient checks the balance online, only to realize that the balance is stupidly low and that you’ve essentially gifted them a fancy piece of plastic. Thanks but no thanks.
Cheap, Fluffy Blankets
Don't let its softness fool you, this blanket will drive anyone insane.
Not all blankets are made the same and even the fluffiest of blankets can lead to mild insanity, like this "Super Plush Blanket" from Sears. It looks warm, cozy, soft and comfortable -- until you use it. That’s when little balls of fluff will shed and appear everywhere -- your hair, your carpet, your laundry, your clothes, your pets, your stash of office cookies. It’ll take you months to rid your home of the fluff ball plague and you’ll never want to see the blanket again to avoid another bout of fluff-induced madness.
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Fans like to pretend Episode I never existed.
Nine out of ten Star Wars fans agree that The Phantom Menace is the worst Star Wars movie and the one who doesn’t agree is wrong. It’s a cornucopia of awful with too much pod-racing, too much Jake Lloyd and way too much Jar Jar Binks. It may be number one in the chronology, but it’s last in the hearts of many Star Wars fans -- including your gift recipient, who probably won’t ever take it out of the shrink wrap.
Monopoly (Any of them)
Don't let Monopoly destroy your family.
If you ever want to alienate your friends, simply say “Let’s play a game of Monopoly!” Monopoly (or any of its special editions) typically brings out the worst in people -- constant jockeying for power and wealth, frequent backstabbing and betrayal, yelling at your significant other when she makes an under-the-table deal that gives Sarah a monopoly and completely ruins your chance of winning. Anyone who owns Monopoly quickly realizes why they barely play the game after making the regretful decision to play the game.
A Donald Trump Book
We're not sure how he did it either.
Friends who want to stay friends shouldn’t discuss religion or politics and there’s no better way to incite a riot than to talk about the most polarizing figure this year -- the 2016 TIME Magazine Person of the Year, Donald Trump. He’s popular for being unpopular and there are over 40 books in his name that will likely provoke the cliché phrase of “You shouldn’t have…really you shouldn’t have.”
The only reason why anyone should have lights up after Christmas.
Unless your gift recipient is a massive fan of Stranger Things or enormously lazy, there is absolutely no reason to have any Christmas decorations up after December 31. It's also extremely likely that any motivation to decorate your home will diminish around mid-December, making gifting any Christmas décor a particularly snide move. Bonus points if the decoration is ugly, like this inflatable Dory that looks nothing like Dory or creepy Yoda.
If you're looking for good gift ideas, be sure to take a look at our Gift Guide page to find not-so-terrible gift-giving inspiration for this holiday season! While you're here, let us know if you've ever received any particularly terrible gifts in the comments!