Statement of Purpose - mature student

[aroundandaround]

_

[Ryougo]

I don't mean to personally get you down but I think it needs a lot of work.

To be completely honest the level of writing is below the standard of a A student in university in non-writing disciplines. I understand though this is probably from lack of exposure to university standards but it says a lot when your goal is to become a journalist.

Here are some suggestions,

1. Try to avoid contractions in formal writing
2. Do not self depreciate yourself "unskilled person", past academic failings
3. Fundamentally you haven't told me what you did in your work that makes you great, I'm not going to be impressed that you went to Egypt, use it as as a means to talk about something concrete that you learned or demonstrated.
4. In relation to the above note, I don't care how badly you want to be a journalist, at least compared to what makes you the best student for this program, what do you bring to the program?

Again not trying to get you down, just that there's a lot of room for improvement.

[aroundandaround]

_

[Danieln88]

Hey guys,

I'm in the middle of writing a statement of purpose for UBC and I was wondering if anyone would like to share examples of their own letters and/or review mine. I want to attend university this fall more than anything, and any advice you RFDers could provide me on applying as a mature student would be great.

My letter:
http://docs.google.com/View?id=dhcr48z2_18cfwf7td9

Thank you!

I'd like to recommend the book "The 7 habits of highly effective people" by Stephen R. Covey. During the third chapter, "Beginning with the end in mind", it tell you about writing a really great mission statement. I'd like to offer more help but there isn't much you're giving me to work with if you're asking for help on writing the mission statement. What does it specifically ask you to write it about?

[Ryougo]

From what I read this is a outline I purpose, I'm typically not a fan of flowery introductory phrases so ...

To whom it may concern,


On my journeys throughout the world I have had the chance to participate in humanitarian work in _____, _____, and ______. In those experiences I have had the privilege to (some various experience, what you did, what you learned from it) (Something to tie to why you want to be a journalist)

It is for those/that reason(s) I am applying to the international journalism program at the University of British Columbia. As a national leader in journalistic education, I feel your program offers unparalleled opportunities for personal and professional development.

Anyway that's the basic idea, needs to be fleshed out a lot more, possibly explaining why you didn't take a normal route to university by pursuing experiences else.

Oh and leave out that stuff about your foster mom, I don't mean to trivialize your struggle but I don't think it'll help you.

[aroundandaround]

_

[Ryougo]

I assume journalism is a restrictive program and it's the one you are applying for entry for? If so you really do have to explain why you want to get into this program.

If you just want to get into university though it's not that hard, but I wouldn't assumed you can easily transfer into your ideal program afterwards.

[aroundandaround]

I just want to get into university right now.
Journalism will (hopefully) be a graduate program after I finish my BA, but after rereading my letter of intent and the comments on this board I think I'm looking too far into the future right now.

Right now I just want to be accepted into university.
Tips for that then?
Thanks

[Ryougo]

It's hard to structure a letter like that without at least feigning interest in a major.

I would offer some unsolicited advice that you should really think about why you want to go to university before investing 4 years of your life and a lot of money. This is not a reflection on you as a person, just that most degrees aren't very practical and aren't necessarily the best route to whatever career/life you want.

[BadDrafter]

Why do you need to send them a letter?

I went to U of A last year when I was 26. All they asked for was transcripts and some money.

They even gave me some money (scholarship) to go there to boot.

Edit: I bet you don't have a past as bad as mine. I'm still seeing a therapist over it (provided by U of A). I know what its like to have a bad past that holds back scholastic ambitions. There is still time to undo that kind of damage.