Studying Hurting Family Relationship?

[Sazafraz]

So here I have this problem and I am wondering if you guys can help me out. I enjoy doing work and studying to some extent but it seems to be hurting my family connections. I have 3 half-siblings which I don't see extremely often, usually on special occasions and maybe once a month however, they do live pretty close.

They came over this Eid and I was studying for a calculus test, so I was sitting in my room most of the time doing some questions. Whenever they come over they always feel offended that I don't sit and socialize with them but whenever they come, I am studying for something important so they usually don't come when I have nothing to do. One of them has young kids and they are very noisy and if I were to leave my room unattended, they will pretty much destroy it (jumping on the bed, messing around with my guitar, etc.) so that is why I stay in my room with the door closed. So because I am in my room for a lot of the time they all complain that I am anti-social and I don't want them to be around and I take them for granted. However, I am busy 95% of the time they are over and by leaving my work and sitting with them, talking about random subjects, I find it hard to get back into work mode. I always try to explain to them that I have work to do but they expect me to have different priorities (family first, school second) which is the opposite for me in this case. When I sit with them they usually only talk about stuff that isn't really important (i.e. gossiping) so I feel that I can better utilize my time by studying. But with them, they want me to come out of my room and start gossiping with them, tell them how my day was, and all that crap. Either that or she puts her kids in my room for me to watch and they really distract me.

So I am basically stuck. If I sit with them, I have to listen to unimportant conversations that take away time from me studying and if I do my work, I am called anti-social and that I don't care about family. They say I don't put an effort into seeing them but they don't understand that I like to get work done on time and be well prepared for tests/quizzes/exams. What do I do?

[Rishi]

If they can't understand that you have academic responsibilities you need to fulfill that is their problem and not yours. You can't be expected to drop whatever you're doing just because your relatives decided to drop by - trust me, I'm Indian so I know what it's like - they need to learn to respect your boundaries. They can't just come into YOUR home and start demanding that you allow them to monopolize your time.

Tell them that while you regret that you can't spend more time with them, your professors don't schedule tests around their visiting schedule, so you'll have to see them when you both have time, not when they feel like it.

[dragon_drift]

Don't worry about it. Once they get older, they'll think back and realize about the responsibility you went through.

[marcroboy]

Well it looks like the culture in your families is family first and studying second. In my case, studying trumps everything,I mean everything, even food, so it's pretty much understandable that I should be left alone when studying. Sometimes my parents get annoyed for me not eating dinner with them on time,but they usually understand when I tell them I really wanted to get this part of the work done.

It really depends on how much you value your grades, we can't make the decisions for you. In my opinion, just by putting more time in studying would raise the grades of 95% of students. Most of ppl who earn crazy grades in my program that I knew of, study more than me. For me, especially in my program, your grade means everything, so it would make sense for me to study as much as I can.

This is just my two cents, hope that helps. I don't have a huge family so I don't have to deal with it as much as you do. However, I do have a lot of friends that aren't in such vigorous program as me, that I have to constantly put off because I'm often busy when they wanted to go out and do stuff.

[Sazafraz]

Don't worry about it. Once they get older, they'll think back and realize about the responsibility you went through.

They are older than me.

[gman]

Don't worry about it. Once they get older, they'll think back and realize about the responsibility you went through.

I would think they are old enough and mature enough to understand that already.

[Jay Hova]

They are older than me.

I think, they are intimidated by you studying...cause they are worried that you are in a better program, school, etc than them. They are intentionally doing this to hinder you. In other words, jealousy.

[gman]

I think, they are intimidated by you studying...cause they are worried that you are in a better program, school, etc than them. They are intentionally doing this to hinder you. In other words, jealousy.

I think you are thinking too much. His half-siblings already have their family with children. They should not have 'space' in their mind set to think it that way.

[dragon_drift]

They are older than me.

I would think they are old enough and mature enough to understand that already.

ohh...that's sad. i guess they're douchebags?

[Setz]

For me, studying comes first. You have your whole life to be with your family, but only a fraction of your life to devote for school. You're paying to be in university/college, something people have to realize. It's like you pay to watch a movie in a theatre, and your friends show up and socialize the entire time, leavng you movie-less.

[awestruck]

I don't see what the problem is. If you need to study, then study. Who cares if they think you're anti-social. That's just absurd especially coming from family members. I would be actually quite shocked if a family member called me anti-social because I needed to study for a test. But then again, you say they usually come over during special occasions. I bet you can at least sacrifice a day of studying if you manage your time wisely.

[Piccolo]

So here I have this problem and I am wondering if you guys can help me out. I enjoy doing work and studying to some extent but it seems to be hurting my family connections. I have 3 half-siblings which I don't see extremely often, usually on special occasions and maybe once a month however, they do live pretty close.

They came over this Eid and I was studying for a calculus test, so I was sitting in my room most of the time doing some questions. Whenever they come over they always feel offended that I don't sit and socialize with them but whenever they come, I am studying for something important so they usually don't come when I have nothing to do. One of them has young kids and they are very noisy and if I were to leave my room unattended, they will pretty much destroy it (jumping on the bed, messing around with my guitar, etc.) so that is why I stay in my room with the door closed. So because I am in my room for a lot of the time they all complain that I am anti-social and I don't want them to be around and I take them for granted. However, I am busy 95% of the time they are over and by leaving my work and sitting with them, talking about random subjects, I find it hard to get back into work mode. I always try to explain to them that I have work to do but they expect me to have different priorities (family first, school second) which is the opposite for me in this case. When I sit with them they usually only talk about stuff that isn't really important (i.e. gossiping) so I feel that I can better utilize my time by studying. But with them, they want me to come out of my room and start gossiping with them, tell them how my day was, and all that crap. Either that or she puts her kids in my room for me to watch and they really distract me.

So I am basically stuck. If I sit with them, I have to listen to unimportant conversations that take away time from me studying and if I do my work, I am called anti-social and that I don't care about family. They say I don't put an effort into seeing them but they don't understand that I like to get work done on time and be well prepared for tests/quizzes/exams. What do I do?

Invite them over when you have a period of time without examxs/assignments. Tell them you are sorry for not being able to spend as much time with them and hope they understand how important your education is. I know its hard when you want to do other things but need to dedicate the time for your classes. I hope they understand.

[Logos88]

Looks like you already have your priority set, and you have reasons to defend it. This is good.

If you spend more time with them and flunk school as a result, chances are you'll regret it, and you'll blame them for it. Talk about hurting relationship.

So, carry on.

[pupazzo]

Lol if studying takes up so much time you don't know how to study

[Skip2MyLou]

Lol if studying takes up so much time you don't know how to study
+1
you should always have at least some free time to do whatever you want.

[TheRaySta]

Lol if studying takes up so much time you don't know how to study

+1

[Sazafraz]

Lol if studying takes up so much time you don't know how to study
:|
Where did I say how long my studying takes? It's not like they are coming over everyday and I always say that I'm busy. They come over whenever I have to prepare for some test, so it is not at a good time. Maybe instead of reading my thread title and a sentence from my post you should read my post properly (I know, it's a crazy idea).

[Blunt]

Lol if studying takes up so much time you don't know how to study

So, are you saying you can't put of the studying for a little later?
You probably have very poor time management skills, for some reason you always have something to study for when they are over...
Are you in high school or univeristy? If it's high school, it probably meaningless studying. I would enjoy the time with your half-siblings rather than holed up and study. In the future, you can either look back have it as fun time with siblings or in your room studying.
Its up to you....
ps. you do seem anti-social unless you hate your half-siblings.

[frogger]

Spend a half hour with them, sleep a half hour later.

[Sazafraz]

So, are you saying you can't put of the studying for a little later?
You probably have very poor time management skills, for some reason you always have something to study for when they are over...
Are you in high school or univeristy? If it's high school, it probably meaningless studying. I would enjoy the time with your half-siblings rather than holed up and study. In the future, you can either look back have it as fun time with siblings or in your room studying.
Its up to you....
ps. you do seem anti-social unless you hate your half-siblings.

1) I am in university
2) They don't tell me in advance when they are coming, they usually just call up and say they are coming. Two of them live within a 5 minute drive and the other one ~10 min so it isn't some huge deal every time they come.
3) No, I don't hate them but they usually come when I am trying to get as much as possible done.

[Blunt]

Go to the library and study when they come over.
Everything is solved...

[Nikita]

I don't see what the problem is. If you need to study, then study. Who cares if they think you're anti-social. That's just absurd especially coming from family members. I would be actually quite shocked if a family member called me anti-social because I needed to study for a test. But then again, you say they usually come over during special occasions. I bet you can at least sacrifice a day of studying if you manage your time wisely.

+1 for the bolded part.

Invite them over when you have a period of time without examxs/assignments. Tell them you are sorry for not being able to spend as much time with them and hope they understand how important your education is. I know its hard when you want to do other things but need to dedicate the time for your classes. I hope they understand.

Exactly...if they really want to spend time with you and they have lots of it and you don't, make it at your convenience. If that doesn't suit them, then they're being selfish and there's really nothing you can do about that...except forget'em and keep on studying.

Spend a half hour with them, sleep a half hour later.

Another good idea. I'd sometimes let my studying cut into my sleep time before cutting into something else I'd rather do, if that something else was really important to me.

Lol if studying takes up so much time you don't know how to study

LOL...crap! I could spend my life studying, just cuz I love it. When I was in Uni, it became a running joke that for years anytime anyone in the family called and asked what I was doing the answer was always 'studying'. Some people, like me, just like to study. Some people need to study more than others just to keep up. Some people study more than others because they want better grades. Some people even use studying as the perfect excuse not to do something other people want them to do...yep that was me, my family and understood how important studying was, probably because I was the first in my family to even go into higher education, so even if I didn't have to study it was a great excuse to get out of anything...lol. And yes,I'll be the first to admit I'm anti-social...I prefer books to people most of the time...lol.

[LQQK]

One of them has young kids and they are very noisy and if I were to leave my room unattended, they will pretty much destroy it (jumping on the bed, messing around with my guitar, etc.) so that is why I stay in my room with the door closed.

EASY solution= buy a lock and lock your door!

Encourage your family to go to your relatives' house so that you can have some peace and quiet time to study.

Move out of the house and live near the university. You won't have to deal with noisy and inconsiderate relatives.

Get call display = when your relatives telephone, don't answer.

[Legend24]

Family comes first. You don't realize it now, but when they're gone... you will wish you had put off that HW for a half-hour to spend some extra time with them. If you can't spare some time to sit with your family when they come over, then you really need to work on managing your time better. And if they only live 5-10 minutes away, then maybe you should take some initiative and go over there when you have some free time so it doesn't look like you are trying to dodge them every time.

Think about what will benefit you more in the long run... spending an extra 30min a week studying or spending that 30min developing a better relationship with your siblings. I was lazy and didn't put in much effort to keep up a decent relationship with my family when I went away and now I regret it.

[LQQK]

And if they only live 5-10 minutes away, then maybe you should take some initiative and go over there when you have some free time so it doesn't look like you are trying to dodge them every time.



Good idea! Show up at dinner time! :lol:

[anycee]

Good idea! Show up at dinner time! :lol:

+1...

Studying comes first for me. But if free food is involved, by all means you should go over.

[mgronqui]

I understand you want to zone out and focus on your studies, but you need to put some time and effort into seeing family members. Once a week wouldn't hurt and maybe you can kill two birds with one stone and go out to eat with them. That way you're not really wasting time since you NEED to eat. As you move into the workforce you'll realize that being successful on the job is more than getting your workload: it's about fostering and maintaining healthy relationships. Good luck :)