Do really people here like to get debt? (Urgent) [Archive]

PuppyB

Jun 4th, 2007, 10:16 AM

KawaiiTentacleBeast

Jun 4th, 2007, 10:33 AM

By "Cash loan", do you mean those payday cheque cashing places?

controlyar

Jun 4th, 2007, 10:35 AM

Its not a matter of being too strict on him, its the fact that he has been visiting establishments like Money Mart/Pay Day Loan without your consent. Perhaps there are many other things he may participate in without your knowledge? To be honest, it does not sound like a healthy relationship. Did you find out what he is using the funds for? If it was something legit, he would obviously consult with you as the money was probably required for something towards the household.

PuppyB

Jun 4th, 2007, 10:41 AM

Yes, you are absolutely right. I was not happy because he kept lying to me, since I kept telling him dont go there anymore, also kept helping him to pay back those debt although those debts not too much, only a few hundred each time. But the fact that he was not be honest to me that made me unhappy. Until the recent I found out he may have some affair with a girl in his workplace, that makes me totally breaking-down and heartbroken, asking for divorce. AM I DOING THE RIGHT DECISION?? PLS HELP.

Its not a matter of being too strict on him, its the fact that he has been visiting establishments like Money Mart/Pay Day Loan without your consent. Perhaps there are many other things he may participate in without your knowledge? To be honest, it does not sound like a healthy relationship. Did you find out what he is using the funds for? If it was something legit, he would obviously consult with you as the money was probably required for something towards the household.

PuppyB

Jun 4th, 2007, 10:43 AM

KawaiiTentacleBeast

Jun 4th, 2007, 10:45 AM

Well, I don't know about your decision, but generally speaking, payday loan type places are not a "good deal" for anyone other than the payday loan place, which is why most sensible people would not use them. Same thing with pawn shops. So to answer your question, YES, it is something that "lower class" people, those without much financial sense, tend to use.

controlyar

Jun 4th, 2007, 10:46 AM

Yes, you are absolutely right. I was not happy because he kept lying to me, since I kept telling him dont go there anymore, also kept helping him to pay back those debt although those debts not too much, only a few hundred each time. But the fact that he was not be honest to me that made me unhappy. Until the recent I found out he may have some affair with a girl in his workplace, that makes me totally breaking-down and heartbroken, asking for divorce. AM I DOING THE RIGHT DECISION?? PLS HELP.

I think you just answered your own question. I feel it is quite obvious where these payday loans are going. How did you find out about this affair? I feel you are making the correct decision. It is not even possible for a marriage to exist if a lack of trust is evident.

From a RFD viewpoint, he is foolish as payday loan establishments are incredibly expensive (fees & interest rates). And to be honest, they are for the lowclass/deadbeats/uneducated individuals of society.

shawn99

Jun 4th, 2007, 10:47 AM

I'd hire a private investigator before I jump the bandwagon. Who knows, it can simply be hearsay! This way you have direct proof and you can decide what to do afterwards.

teknoluv

Jun 4th, 2007, 10:47 AM

(I am Asian so I don't like debt)
LOL! Who the heck would like to get into debt???

KawaiiTentacleBeast

Jun 4th, 2007, 10:47 AM

most western people do the same thing, is is correct?

The stupid ones, yes.

controlyar

Jun 4th, 2007, 10:51 AM

LOL! Who the heck would like to get into debt???

I guess you are not from immigrant parents.
It's not that people like debt, its that they avoid it at any cost and even if that means making a poor decision. Asians and many eastern Europeans do not like any type of lending products (even if its a credit card).

KawaiiTentacleBeast

Jun 4th, 2007, 10:51 AM

LOL! Who the heck would like to get into debt???

A lot of people seem to have no problem with huge mortgages. Immigrants in particular. :lol:

PuppyB

Jun 4th, 2007, 11:00 AM

Until we got married after one year, I found out what he told me before is not correct, he has a car leasing for over 8 years, which he told me before he had paid off, but actually he did not. Meantime I found out he owed the car leasing company almost 10 months fees (because at that time he put the money in our wedding firstly, but he was supposed to tell me the truth). After that, I found out more small debt, cash loan, a small CC bill (around $400) which he told me already be paid but still pending. Also when I logged on his epass I found out that he did not claim tax return for so long, except the years we were together so he did the tax return together with me.

I am so tired about to help clean his mess, also the last shot is last week I found one overnight hotel bill in his car, it is a girl's name but firstly he said it is his boss' affair, then at night he told me the girl's husband is crazy so he helped her to dropped at the hotel when he was on the way to his second job (I asked him doing second job to contribute family), but how come dropping a girl in hotel, and the bill was already in the car. Then he explained that after he finished the work, he picked up the girl then together drove to workplace. The girl is a coworker of him.

I was so devastated last week, now I just decided to leave him firstly. AM I DOING RIGHT? Thanks for listening.

I think you just answered your own question. I feel it is quite obvious where these payday loans are going. How did you find out about this affair? I feel you are making the correct decision. It is not even possible for a marriage to exist if a lack of trust is evident.

From a RFD viewpoint, he is foolish as payday loan establishments are incredibly expensive (fees & interest rates). And to be honest, they are for the lowclass/deadbeats/uneducated individuals of society.

brunes

Jun 4th, 2007, 11:02 AM

I guess you are not from immigrant parents.
It's not that people like debt, its that they avoid it at any cost and even if that means making a poor decision. Asians and many eastern Europeans do not like any type of lending products (even if its a credit card).

Indeed... it's the same with people from Latin American countries... I know people from the region who have told me that our concept of 25 year mortgages are completely foreign to people down there, and it took him a long time to adapt to the idea of owing someone hundreds of thousands of dollars when he moved here. He was just so used to the idea of rental and saving for decades to buy property outright.

PuppyB

Jun 4th, 2007, 11:13 AM

Thanks for your opinion, that makes me more decisive to get divorce/separation.

I think you just answered your own question. I feel it is quite obvious where these payday loans are going. How did you find out about this affair? I feel you are making the correct decision. It is not even possible for a marriage to exist if a lack of trust is evident.

From a RFD viewpoint, he is foolish as payday loan establishments are incredibly expensive (fees & interest rates). And to be honest, they are for the lowclass/deadbeats/uneducated individuals of society.

controlyar

Jun 4th, 2007, 11:14 AM

I can't believe this! It sounds like a story from a movie. Too many holes in the story (not sure if that is from the lack of details on your part or his deceptive nature). I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and recommend to sit down with your husband and discuss everything in a civilized manner. By the way, that hotel story is completely bogus. Don't you think your husband would have told you such a strange story? How often do people drop off their co-workers at hotels b/c their husbands are crazy? It appears as if any form of communication is absent from your relationship.

And with regards to the finances, he has lied the entire time about a car lease and other miscellaneous debts. This is completely unacceptable. You need to take a more proactive approach and monitor the household's finances. This is why I feel having separate bank accounts in a marriage is not the best idea. Although discretion should be used, it does create the opportunity for frivolous spending or in this case, deception.

Was this an arranged marriage?

PuppyB

Jun 4th, 2007, 11:23 AM

Yes, I was totally shocked and devastating since last Monday when I found the bill. Of course I totally don't believe his speech anymore, based on his lies from financing, that is why I am so efficient and already talked two lawyers by the end of last week, also began to sell our house after my husband agreed on Sunday. Since he is not willing to divorce, so I told him I would like to sell the house so we can separate.

I do monitor all the financing, his banking account, his credit, our joint account, but I can not control he went to loan, or open a CC without I know, right?

Also, I did sit down talking to him, even till now he is still insisting that nothing happened between his coworker and him, they are just friend, which I really don't care anymore. I already bear his financial mess and tried to help him clean, but I can not take the affair which make me heartbroken.

We met each other two years ago, he proposed after 6 months and the we got married. I admitted I was blind when we were crazy about each other.

I can't believe this! It sounds like a story from a movie. Too many holes in the story (not sure if that is from the lack of details on your part or his deceptive nature). I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and recommend to sit down with your husband and discuss everything in a civilized manner. By the way, that hotel story is completely bogus. Don't you think your husband would have told you such a strange story? How often do people drop off their co-workers at hotels b/c their husbands are crazy? It appears as if any form of communication is absent from your relationship.

And with regards to the finances, he has lied the entire time about a car lease and other miscellaneous debts. This is completely unacceptable. You need to take a more proactive approach and monitor the household's finances. This is why I feel having separate bank accounts in a marriage is not the best idea. Although discretion should be used, it does create the opportunity for frivolous spending or in this case, deception.

Was this an arranged marriage?

controlyar

Jun 4th, 2007, 11:31 AM

Yes, I was totally shocked and devastating since last Monday when I found the bill. Of course I totally don't believe his speech anymore, based on his lies from financing, that is why I am so efficient and already talked two lawyers by the end of last week, also began to sell our house after my husband agreed on Sunday. Since he is not willing to divorce, so I told him I would like to sell the house so we can separate.

I do monitor all the financing, his banking account, his credit, our joint account, but I can not control he went to loan, or open a CC without I know, right?

Also, I did sit down talking to him, even till now he is still insisting that nothing happened between his coworker and him, they are just friend, which I really don't care anymore. I already bear his financial mess and tried to help him clean, but I can not take the affair which make me heartbroken.

Oh wow. It looks like this matter is deeper than I had thought. So, you've already proceeded with the legal aspect of this? Your husband agreed to all of this? It would be a fair statement that he knows of his guilt and is willing to accept the consequences (perhaps he did not even care).

That is correct, there is no way to monitor if he is taking out side loans.

May I ask why he is mentioning no divorce? Take him to the cleaners and get your share. Are there any children involved? Since a divorce can be granted immediately (on the grounds of adultery), you will not have to be separated for one year to file an application.

Make sure you know you are making the right decision. Only you can determine this. Other opinions should be factored in, but should not be the ultimate decision. It looks like you have already made up your mind since you and your husband have already had a formal conversation regarding the issue.

Good luck with everything and stay strong.

15-20_God

Jun 4th, 2007, 11:40 AM

I really don't think this issue has anything to do with debt or payday loans. it seems like the major issue between you two is trust and communication.

PuppyB

Jun 4th, 2007, 11:45 AM

The reason I went to get consultation from lawyers is because I am alone here, I thought my husband would be everything but the reality has crashed now, so I need to protect myself.

I don't know why he does not agree to get divorce and his still is saying he did not go into hotel just dropping the girl and pick-up...etc. I told him last week if he is having feeling towards other girl, I will let him go, also ask him let me go as well. Maybe it is just his nature not think clearly, can not make decision quickly. So I asked him to sell house, which he agrees now. Because we are newly married, and only the house/mortage is the bond between him and myself. That's why I want to get rid of the house and move out asap.

Oh wow. It looks like this matter is deeper than I had thought. So, you've already proceeded with the legal aspect of this? Your husband agreed to all of this? It would be a fair statement that he knows of his guilt and is willing to accept the consequences (perhaps he did not even care).

That is correct, there is no way to monitor if he is taking out side loans.

May I ask why he is mentioning no divorce? Take him to the cleaners and get your share. Are there any children involved? Since a divorce can be granted immediately (on the grounds of adultery), you will not have to be separated for one year to file an application.

Make sure you know you are making the right decision. Only you can determine this. Other opinions should be factored in, but should not be the ultimate decision. It looks like you have already made up your mind since you and your husband have already had a formal conversation regarding the issue.

Good luck with everything and stay strong.

PuppyB

Jun 4th, 2007, 11:47 AM

Yes, absolutely. I took his bad financial habbits and kept help him to clear the debt hole asap. Even I always try to eduate him how interest works, asked him to watch TV together with me "Do debt till up apart", " Max Out"...etc. But this time, I was totally broken down because the he betrays me for the feeling.

I really don't think this issue has anything to do with debt or payday loans. it seems like the major issue between you two is trust and communication.

akt921

Jun 4th, 2007, 11:57 AM

I really don't think this issue has anything to do with debt or payday loans. it seems like the major issue between you two is trust and communication.

Right on!!
I really don't like my wife to check my bank acct and ePass like cop/private investigator, this will not help your relationship.
Why were you 2 married in the first place? You mentioned you are newly married so I can't imagine how the relationship could suddenly change to as worse as now.
No offence but your Avatar may tell a little bit of hint.

gman

Jun 4th, 2007, 11:58 AM

PuppyB

Jun 4th, 2007, 12:08 PM

rdtx2002

Jun 4th, 2007, 12:11 PM

PuppyB

Jun 4th, 2007, 12:14 PM

Before finding that receipt, I feel a little bit wierd about him recently, based on the instinct of a wife. At that time I thought he was too busy in work.

Thanks. I try to eat stuff, and be strong. Your words make me tearing again.

do you know for sure he is having an affair? (other than the recepts)?

and about you losing 5-6lbs... you should really eat something, even if you have no mood to eat.

akt921

Jun 4th, 2007, 12:15 PM

gman

Jun 4th, 2007, 12:15 PM

I loved him too, if not how come my world turned up-side down since last monday, how come I lost 5~ 6 lbs weight just a few days. But I can not accept he is having affair outside. Even according to his saying, it is just his co-worker asked him help, don't you think it is too unreal and not right to let his wife know.

I am not saying your reaction is wrong. I am just pointing out what may be the reason he does not want a divorce. At this point, it does not matter if he is telling the truth. I doubt he did because he does not seem to be a person good at that. The more important part is you don't trust him at all. For you, you want to finish the relationship. For him, he wants that slim chance to get back together.

BTW, if I were him and I really was helping a co-worker, I can easily solve the matter by taking the co-worker over to explain everything. Since it is about a divorce, any sane co-worker will come over to help especially your husband helped her.

PuppyB

Jun 4th, 2007, 12:15 PM

I managed his bank account and epass after he agreed, since he still owes CCRA over one thousand, and I tried to arrange household budget to pay back his owing asap to save interest.

Right on!!
I really don't like my wife to check my bank acct and ePass like cop/private investigator, this will not help your relationship.
Why were you 2 married in the first place? You mentioned you are newly married so I can't imagine how the relationship could suddenly change to as worse as now.
No offence but your Avatar may tell a little bit of hint.

PuppyB

Jun 4th, 2007, 12:17 PM

I know, but that is not the reason for having a affair. Right now the reason I try to leave is because he betrays our love, not the financial stuff.

What you've done on him makes him scare of telling you anything.

akt921

Jun 4th, 2007, 12:18 PM

I managed his bank account and epass after he agreed, since he still owes CCRA over one thousand, and I tried to arrange household budget to pay back his owing asap to save interest.

OIC! sorry that I assumed. Looks like both of you still love each other, give him a chance and forgive him on what he did in the past(true forgiveness and don't bring it up on your conversation anymore), you can rebuild the relationship if you believe in it.

rdtx2002

Jun 4th, 2007, 12:19 PM

may i ask how old you two are?

PuppyB

Jun 4th, 2007, 12:20 PM

Both just over 30's

may i ask how old you two are?

controlyar

Jun 4th, 2007, 12:20 PM

No offence but your Avatar may tell a little bit of hint.

No offence, but your avatar gives me the impression that you have a fetish for ugly dogs that like browsing the net. :lol:

Are you serious?

akt921

Jun 4th, 2007, 12:21 PM

I know, but that is not the reason for having a affair. Right now the reason I try to leave is because he betrays our love, not the financial stuff.

That is not a REASON but when he feel that you are not the person to talk to then he will go find another person who is willing to listen, just like you look for help here in RFD(or somewhere else).

controlyar

Jun 4th, 2007, 12:23 PM

BTW, if I were him and I really was helping a co-worker, I can easily solve the matter by taking the co-worker over to explain everything. Since it is about a divorce, any sane co-worker will come over to help especially your husband helped her.

Yes, it will definitely help the husband out. However, I doubt he would ever agree.
Even further, the co-worker can easily lie.

I cant believe a married couple can hide a car lease from one another.
It is a fair statement to say that there are many other things he "hides".

PuppyB

Jun 4th, 2007, 12:24 PM

Yes, in the morning when I found the bill in his car, he said it is boss's (he and his boss are very good friend), and his boss let him kept the bill. but at the night he admitted it is him to drop the girl and pick up in the next day morning. I asked whether I can ask the girl, of course he said no. I do have the girl's name and of course his office number but I will not call, till now everything has explained itself. For those kind of affair, my opnion is it is the guy's fault, not the mistress.

BTW, if I were him and I really was helping a co-worker, I can easily solve the matter by taking the co-worker over to explain everything. Since it is about a divorce, any sane co-worker will come over to help especially your husband helped her.

gman

Jun 4th, 2007, 12:27 PM

Yes, it will definitely help the husband out. However, I doubt he would ever agree.
Even further, the co-worker can easily lie.

I cant believe a married couple can hide a car lease from one another.
It is a fair statement to say that there are many other things he "hides".

If he did not even try when the word 'divorce' came out, you knew the answer.

akt921

Jun 4th, 2007, 12:27 PM

No offence, but your avatar gives me the impression that you have a fetish for ugly dogs that like browsing the net. :lol:

Are you serious?

Just my feeling cause I knew people who care more about their personal belongings(some cases handbags)than their other half. I really hope that they work it out and be together for many years to come.
BTW, I think the dog in my avatar looks pretty funny, for sure not ugly.:D

Blunt

Jun 4th, 2007, 12:27 PM

PuppyB

Jun 4th, 2007, 12:33 PM

You are right. That is what I am trying to proceed with my broken heart and trying to have a strong spirit.

#1) Always trust your instincts.
#2) He is only going to pay advances places to cash out money to hide things from you.
#3) In a healthy relationship, everything is discussed openly. Finances, The "Boss's Affair", Where he travels on his E-pass.
#4) Divorces the lying, cheating loser. Even if he's not cheating, he doesn't sound like a decent guy anyways.

controlyar

Jun 4th, 2007, 12:33 PM

If he did not even try when the word 'divorce' came out, you knew the answer.

Exactly.

Just my feeling cause I knew people who care more about their personal belongings(some cases handbags)than their other half. I really hope that they work it out and be together for many years to come.
BTW, I think the dog in my avatar looks pretty funny, for sure not ugly.:D

That can be true sometimes. And I know Asians can tend to be superficial and get caught up in materialistic objects/money rather than focus on the fundamentals of a healthy relationship. Its just important to note that these are assumptions and can't always be attributed to every individual.

grant

Jun 4th, 2007, 12:36 PM

q1: I love to get as much debt as possible.

q2: Dump this loser.

CSK'sMom

Jun 4th, 2007, 12:37 PM

That may be true controlyar, but it definitely takes 2 people in a marriage to make a financial mess. I definitely think there is more to the story than the OP is letting on.

controlyar

Jun 4th, 2007, 12:45 PM

That may be true controlyar, but it definitely takes 2 people in a marriage to make a financial mess. I definitely think there is more to the story than the OP is letting on.

Thats true.
I was giving the benefit of the doubt to the OP as this is a serious topic and it does take courage to post about a sensitive issue.

On the flip side, let's take this as a possible scenario.
OP spends all the savings on Gucci/Coach bags. Husband goes crazy and retaliates by having an affair with co-workers. OP complains that husband is lying and cheating even though her spending habits is what caused her husband to cheat. Far from likely, but food for thought nonetheless.

For sure there will be details that are omitted. But, I feel we can get somewhat of an understanding of the present situation. Like I said prior, it is for the OP to decide as they will know best.

PuppyB

Jun 4th, 2007, 12:47 PM

His financial mess that I found out is long time ago before we met, and also I accepted, and was trying to help him to clean out. Meantime I kept telling him these loan are bad, CC debt are bad, if he needs money we can use LOC but he did not. But this time the affair thing made me totally shocked.

That may be true controlyar, but it definitely takes 2 people in a marriage to make a financial mess. I definitely think there is more to the story than the OP is letting on.

ricoboxing

Jun 4th, 2007, 01:15 PM

His financial mess that I found out is long time ago before we met,

then why the hell did u marry this guy? maybe i misunderstood what you wrote, but YOU made the choice to marry this guy knowing about "His financial mess that I found out is long time ago before we met", so YOU have to deal with the consequences. Just get a dam divorce, then you guys can split the debt 50/50.

PuppyB

Jun 4th, 2007, 01:22 PM

I did not know before, he never mentioned to me before until the car leasing company wanted to take back the car in Dec 2006, then I found out all the mess, loan, CCRA amount due...etc from Dec 2006!

then why the hell did u marry this guy? maybe i misunderstood what you wrote, but YOU made the choice to marry this guy knowing about "His financial mess that I found out is long time ago before we met", so YOU have to deal with the consequences. Just get a dam divorce, then you guys can split the debt 50/50.

rdtx2002

Jun 4th, 2007, 01:29 PM

I did not know before, he never mentioned to me before until the car leasing company wanted to take back the car in Dec 2006, then I found out all the mess, loan, CCRA amount due...etc from Dec 2006!

that is a hole you are in right now. Besides divorce, have you offered marriage counselling or something like that?. (i'm not saying you two should be together, just throwing out ideas)

So is the list you provided all the stuff he 'owes' and no more hidden things?

for a guy that is in his early-30s.. it's quite immature of him to be still like this. I'm going to assume you are chinese (correct me if i'm wrong) and I understand how you are feeling. Do you personally have any debts or is everything all his debts?

Matrix_dot_ca

Jun 4th, 2007, 01:35 PM

Before finding that receipt, I feel a little bit wierd about him recently, based on the instinct of a wife. At that time I thought he was too busy in work.

Thanks. I try to eat stuff, and be strong. Your words make me tearing again.

Is the receipt paid in cash or Credit card? I hope he is not generous to pay somebody else's hotel bills? That would be a red flag if he does.

PuppyB

Jun 4th, 2007, 01:41 PM

In early April I even contactedsome professional consultant to help him or us to resolve the his financial mess or habbit, but he did not go but he was busy in working.

I am having a list of his debts, but who knows whether it is complete. I don't have any debt except the mortgage.

that is a hole you are in right now. Besides divorce, have you offered marriage counselling or something like that?. (i'm not saying you two should be together, just throwing out ideas)

So is the list you provided all the stuff he 'owes' and no more hidden things?

for a guy that is in his early-30s.. it's quite immature of him to be still like this. I'm going to assume you are chinese (correct me if i'm wrong) and I understand how you are feeling. Do you personally have any debts or is everything all his debts?

PuppyB

Jun 4th, 2007, 01:43 PM

That bill was paid by the girl's CC card.

Is the receipt paid in cash or Credit card? I hope he is not generous to pay somebody else's hotel bills? That would be a red flag if he does.

rdtx2002

Jun 4th, 2007, 01:45 PM

robattoronto

Jun 4th, 2007, 01:50 PM

Whoa! Slow down a second. This is like a runaway train. You start off with debt issues, then infidelity and now divorce.

My advice? Take a time out, regroup, then two steps back and then make a rational decision about what needs to be done. It may or may not end in divorce, but at least you would feel confident about your decision which is important. My other advice to women is, don't ever make important decisions when you're emotionally upset. Pardon me for being sexist here. Like I said, take a time out, when you calm down then make a decision. You'll be more at peace later whatever you decide.

- All of the above is your side of the story only. It may or may not be accurate, but its interlaced with your opinions, emotions and assumptions. I don't think everyone should be so quick to paint the guy as the enemy. There's a very good reason why relationship counsellors insist on meeting both couples and criminal courts insist of getting representation from both sides.

- You need a third party to arbitrate this.

It is easy to come to the forum and post negative stuff about your husband and rally up support from everyone. The outcome is predictable. But you gotta ask yourself whether what you're really trying to do is to get people to agree with you so it takes away the guilt of divorce & get emotional support or are you really trying to get a solution to this problem.

I can tell you one thing though, its not the latter. Cuz what you got wasn't a conclusion, it was support. By reading the posts by everyone, the accused is already hung by the jury.

PuppyB

Jun 4th, 2007, 01:59 PM

I know and thanks for your opinion too. That is why I told my husband that I am not going to continue mentioning Divorce, but just try to sell house firstly which he agreed too. Currently I dont have any other places to live except after selling the house to rent other place by myself.

Whoa! Slow down a second. This is like a runaway train. You start off with debt issues, then infidelity and now divorce.

My advice? Take a time out, regroup, then two steps back and then make a rational decision about what needs to be done. It may or may not end in divorce, but at least you would feel confident about your decision which is important. My other advice to women is, don't ever make important decisions when you're emotionally upset. Pardon me for being sexist here. Like I said, take a time out, when you calm down then make a decision. You'll be more at peace later whatever you decide.

- All of the above is your side of the story only. It may or may not be accurate, but its interlaced with your opinions, emotions and assumptions. I don't think everyone should be so quick to paint the guy as the enemy. There's a very good reason why relationship counsellors insist on meeting both couples and criminal courts insist of getting representation from both sides.

- You need a third party to arbitrate this.

It is easy to come to the forum and post negative stuff about your husband and rally up support from everyone. The outcome is predictable. But you gotta ask yourself whether what you're really trying to do is to get people to agree with you so it takes away the guilt of divorce & get emotional support or are you really trying to get a solution to this problem.

I can tell you one thing though, its not the latter. Cuz what you got wasn't a conclusion, it was support. By reading the posts by everyone, the accused is already hung by the jury.

PuppyB

Jun 4th, 2007, 02:12 PM

I did not have spend issues although I bought one or times purse from my saving. Also I tried to support husband to pay back the known debt according to our household budget but when we fought my husband said he felt being controlled...etc So sometimes I think maybe we are two kind of person, lifestyle does not fit to each other.

Thats true.
I was giving the benefit of the doubt to the OP as this is a serious topic and it does take courage to post about a sensitive issue.

On the flip side, let's take this as a possible scenario.
OP spends all the savings on Gucci/Coach bags. Husband goes crazy and retaliates by having an affair with co-workers. OP complains that husband is lying and cheating even though her spending habits is what caused her husband to cheat. Far from likely, but food for thought nonetheless.

For sure there will be details that are omitted. But, I feel we can get somewhat of an understanding of the present situation. Like I said prior, it is for the OP to decide as they will know best.

rdtx2002

Jun 4th, 2007, 02:38 PM

you from china?

alysomji

Jun 4th, 2007, 02:40 PM

Y'all need some professional counseling. People here can't help you much.

rdtx2002

Jun 4th, 2007, 02:46 PM

ricoboxing

Jun 4th, 2007, 02:51 PM

you from china?

sherrup u raysish bashtard!

rdtx2002

Jun 4th, 2007, 03:03 PM

sherrup u raysish bashtard!

how is this racist you idiot. i'm just asking for a little more information on her background which could better answer some questions

PuppyB

Jun 4th, 2007, 03:28 PM

Thanks for everybody for listening and giving suggestion. I admit I do love him but just can not take the affair thing.

how is this racist you idiot. i'm just asking for a little more information on her background which could better answer some questions

rdtx2002

Jun 4th, 2007, 03:32 PM

Thanks for everybody for listening and giving suggestion. I admit I do love him but just can not take the affair thing.

if the affair is the thing bothering you. then I doubt whatever he does will make a difference. You can love him all you want, but to be honest, you don't trust him anymore.

just call it off.

btw, don't get offended that i asked you if you were from china. I'm chinese myself and it was not meant as a racist comment like that other stupid guy said.

PuppyB

Jun 4th, 2007, 03:46 PM

I understand. Yes I did not trust his financial thing before but I NEVER doubt his love for me, but this time, I am totally shocked and out.

if the affair is the thing bothering you. then I doubt whatever he does will make a difference. You can love him all you want, but to be honest, you don't trust him anymore.

just call it off.

btw, don't get offended that i asked you if you were from china. I'm chinese myself and it was not meant as a racist comment like that other stupid guy said.

rdtx2002

Jun 4th, 2007, 03:56 PM

I understand. Yes I did not trust his financial thing before but I NEVER doubt his love for me, but this time, I am totally shocked and out.

it's normal to be shocked and out. perhaps you need to cool down a little, go out with your girl-friends, and think it over with them.

if you can't make yourself trust him again because of the 'affair', then it is better you end the relationship before you get yourself sick.

You should take care of yourself first. Eat normal meals and stop losing weight.

emilyny

Jun 4th, 2007, 04:24 PM

Get a lawyer!

Narci

Jun 4th, 2007, 04:51 PM

I did not have spend issues although I bought one or times purse from my saving. Also I tried to support husband to pay back the known debt according to our household budget but when we fought my husband said he felt being controlled...etc So sometimes I think maybe we are two kind of person, lifestyle does not fit to each other.

Sorry, I find this thread pretty funny. I agree with the person who posted that this is one side of the story. I'd love to hear his side. Maybe your high maintenence? You bought a purse with your savings but that money could have gon towards trying to clean up the debt. You make a combined $95,000 a year which is way above the average income a family has.

http://www.redflagdeals.com/forums/showthread.php?p=5117609#post5117609

Something is terrible wrong when your making that much and still have alot of debt. What kind of lifestyle are you living?

mirek

Jun 4th, 2007, 05:39 PM

Perhaps this should move to OT.

grant

Jun 4th, 2007, 06:00 PM

Perhaps this should move to OT.
Definitely. This is obviously just a place for PuppyB to vent about marriage problems.

PuppyB

Jun 4th, 2007, 06:52 PM

Yes, our before tax yearly income is close 90K, but since we have mortage, and all the house bills, plus I also do the budegt to clean his old debs, so the financial is very tight. I dont have luxury lifestyle(even I dont have a car), the lifestyle I am talking about that I intend to spend based on budget, but he intends to do on daily basis, when out of money he must go somewhere to get cash which I really don't like. Right now the thing is he betrays, which makes me feel all the effort I did is gone and meanless.

Sorry, I find this thread pretty funny. I agree with the person who posted that this is one side of the story. I'd love to hear his side. Maybe your high maintenence? You bought a purse with your savings but that money could have gon towards trying to clean up the debt. You make a combined $95,000 a year which is way above the average income a family has.

http://www.redflagdeals.com/forums/showthread.php?p=5117609#post5117609

Something is terrible wrong when your making that much and still have alot of debt. What kind of lifestyle are you living?

bawawa

Jun 4th, 2007, 09:31 PM

All of you replying to this thread are pretty naive !!!!!!

Can you not see that this post is totally bogus?!!

My guess is that this is some dude who's got too much time on his hands having a good laugh at your expense.

Re-read some of his posts, and you'll see how absurd all of this is. Especially how he purposely misspells words and uses poor grammar in most sentences, but places commas in mostly appropriate places.

Don't waste your time folks !!!

PuppyB

Jun 4th, 2007, 10:00 PM

No, everything is true, I was at work so when typing I can not focus.

All of you replying to this thread are pretty naive !!!!!!

Can you not see that this post is totally bogus?!!

My guess is that this is some dude who's got too much time on his hands having a good laugh at your expense.

Re-read some of his posts, and you'll see how absurd all of this is. Especially how he purposely misspells words and uses poor grammar in most sentences, but places commas in mostly appropriate places.

Don't waste your time folks !!!

rdtx2002

Jun 4th, 2007, 10:02 PM

controlyar

Jun 4th, 2007, 10:15 PM

akt921

Jun 4th, 2007, 11:51 PM

The OP is a FOB.
Cut her some slack.

Usually I would poke fun and recommend an ESL class, but this topic merits a mature response.

And why did you bother joining RFD just to post that? :lol:

Could he be the financially messed up & having an affair with the co-worker guy?

controlyar

Jun 5th, 2007, 12:06 AM

Could he be the financially messed up & having an affair with the co-worker guy?

I wanted to say that too but I held back. :lol:

Rosico

Jun 5th, 2007, 12:32 AM

er, wouldn't some of the debters have a claim to your shared equity (house)?

this is a funny thread, all I can think of is a CIC term: "marriage of convenience"

rdtx2002

Jun 5th, 2007, 08:01 AM

er, wouldn't some of the debters have a claim to your shared equity (house)?

this is a funny thread, all I can think of is a CIC term: "marriage of convenience"

why do you think it's a "marriage of convenience"?... it's the guy that is having the problems.. not the girl who has been here for 4 years and supporting the guy.

if it was the other way around.. then yeah.

oscar_dog

Jun 5th, 2007, 11:26 AM

To answer the OP's original question, I don't think people here "like" to get into debt. It is just a matter of up-bringing and the attaining ability to recognize the value of money.

For those that abuse debt for frivolous spending, then it is a problem. For others that use debt to their advantage for investments etc., then it is a useful tool to grow your money.

almostfreeman

Jun 5th, 2007, 11:40 AM

No, I don't like get debt. :|

weedb0y

Jun 5th, 2007, 12:27 PM

#1) Always trust your instincts.
#2) He is only going to pay advances places to cash out money to hide things from you.
#3) In a healthy relationship, everything is discussed openly. Finances, The "Boss's Affair", Where he travels on his E-pass.
#4) Divorces the lying, cheating loser. Even if he's not cheating, he doesn't sound like a decent guy anyways.

How can you judge a guy based on his wife's assumptions? Nothing has been proven. Maybe they both need to sit down and make a decision together.
For better or worse (for the marriage).

Blunt

Jun 5th, 2007, 01:35 PM

How can you judge a guy based on his wife's assumptions? Nothing has been proven. Maybe they both need to sit down and make a decision together.
For better or worse (for the marriage).

The first 3 points are enough for a divorce.
#1) A woman's instinct is powerful.
#2) If he's hiding money from you, what else is he doing?
#3) If you can't discuss things openly in a relationship, it's not much of a relationship, is it?
#4) Well, number 4 was just my bonus. :evil:

PuppyB

Jun 5th, 2007, 02:01 PM

Thanks. Things are now getting more clear, since I insist to sell house firstly and live apart and he agrees too, he is also not caring about my feeling as well, keeps his co-worker "friendship" more open now.

Anyway, I believe I am making a correct decision and thanks again for listening to me, and sorry for the earlier confusion because my emotion was devastating since last week.

The first 3 points are enough for a divorce.
#1) A woman's instinct is powerful.
#2) If he's hiding money from you, what else is he doing?
#3) If you can't discuss things openly in a relationship, it's not much of a relationship, is it?
#4) Well, number 4 was just my bonus. :evil:

GoodDeal

Jun 5th, 2007, 03:51 PM

http://www.redflagdeals.com/forums/showthread.php?t=429739

Narci

Jun 5th, 2007, 04:16 PM

http://www.redflagdeals.com/forums/showthread.php?p=4933355#post4933355

rdtx2002

Jun 5th, 2007, 05:00 PM

http://www.redflagdeals.com/forums/showthread.php?t=429739

i don't think there is anything wrong with asking if people will buy jewelry from that place again. It's not like she went and bought 100 pieces of diamond jewelry

http://www.redflagdeals.com/forums/showthread.php?p=4933355#post4933355

if you read the thread it was a hypothetical question asking what you would do if you had 50k and how you would invest it.

The purpose of this post is to see how silly some people are 'trying' to give this person a bad name or trying to use posts from before to sway the opinions of others.

She has marital problems, has a husband that does not know how to manage money and thinks he is having an affair. Put yourself in her shoes and think things from her side.

Narci

Jun 5th, 2007, 05:15 PM

i don't think there is anything wrong with asking if people will buy jewelry from that place again. It's not like she went and bought 100 pieces of diamond jewelry

if you read the thread it was a hypothetical question asking what you would do if you had 50k and how you would invest it.

The purpose of this post is to see how silly some people are 'trying' to give this person a bad name or trying to use posts from before to sway the opinions of others.

She has marital problems, has a husband that does not know how to manage money and thinks he is having an affair. Put yourself in her shoes and think things from her side.

So when do we get to put ourselves in HIS shoes?

I just have a hard time believing one sided stories. that's all. For all you know..the story could be totally opposite.

The point of digging up her posts is for creditbility issues. If she and her husband have financial difficulties, shouldn't the money be spent on paying that debt instead of buying purse, jewllery or a condo?

philelmo

Jun 5th, 2007, 06:20 PM

lol, only asians hate debt, white people like debt

rdtx2002

Jun 5th, 2007, 11:23 PM

So when do we get to put ourselves in HIS shoes?

I just have a hard time believing one sided stories. that's all. For all you know..the story could be totally opposite.

The point of digging up her posts is for creditbility issues. If she and her husband have financial difficulties, shouldn't the money be spent on paying that debt instead of buying purse, jewllery or a condo?

if you have 'READ' the thread.. she purchases on budget and does in fact help him pay his debt. The problem is that her husband was 'hiding' debt from her and it wasn't until the collectors came to repo the car that she found out of this 'new' debt. You tell me who is the real problem here?

you dig up the past in April.. her problems started late May early June.. tell me how is this a mark on her credibility?.. how is asking a question or asking a hypothetical 'a mark on her credibility' when it was before her breakdown??

If I did something wrong tomorrow like scamming someone.. would my 'credibility' and 4000+ posts and BST feedback of +3 save me?.. think about it.

Rosico

Jun 6th, 2007, 11:30 AM

looks like puppy is back on the market. j/k

good luck with all of this - separation/divorce is not fun ...

PuppyB

Jun 6th, 2007, 11:35 AM

I know it is not fun, but what else can I do. I am broken heart deep inside, but I can not let it show on my face. I need to move on.....

looks like puppy is back on the market. j/k

good luck with all of this - separation/divorce is not fun ...

rdtx2002

Jun 6th, 2007, 12:06 PM

I know it is not fun, but what else can I do. I am broken heart deep inside, but I can not let it show on my face. I need to move on.....

you'll be fine

Narci

Jun 6th, 2007, 12:24 PM

if you have 'READ' the thread.. she purchases on budget and does in fact help him pay his debt. The problem is that her husband was 'hiding' debt from her and it wasn't until the collectors came to repo the car that she found out of this 'new' debt. You tell me who is the real problem here?

you dig up the past in April.. her problems started late May early June.. tell me how is this a mark on her credibility?.. how is asking a question or asking a hypothetical 'a mark on her credibility' when it was before her breakdown??

If I did something wrong tomorrow like scamming someone.. would my 'credibility' and 4000+ posts and BST feedback of +3 save me?.. think about it.

D00d..how do you even know this is real or is the truth? For all you know..she could be the husband in her story but whatever...she should be talking to friends and family about this anyways.

PuppyB

Jun 6th, 2007, 12:31 PM

As an immigrant who have been here only a few years, we just like something being dropped into the ground from the sky. How can I have family or lots of friends here. I thought my husband would be my family but now the reality tells me he is not.

D00d..how do you even know this is real or is the truth? For all you know..she could be the husband in her story but whatever...she should be talking to friends and family about this anyways.

Narci

Jun 6th, 2007, 12:47 PM

As an immigrant who have been here only a few years, we just like something being dropped into the ground from the sky. How can I have family or lots of friends here. I thought my husband would be my family but now the reality tells me he is not.

I never said here in Canada...isn't this important enought to call people back home?

I'm not trying to be mean or anything..sometimes you have to look at things from other perspectives..sometimes it makes you realize what you really need to do (or not do) because you know how it looks from another side.

PuppyB

Jun 6th, 2007, 12:49 PM

I called every day, especially first couple days whole day whole night, but my family over there only can listen and comfort me over the phone. I need to deal with everything here by myself.

Anyway, pls forget this thread....

I never said here in Canada...isn't this important enought to call people back home?

march9

Jun 6th, 2007, 01:07 PM

要坚强！要振作！

PuppyB

Jun 6th, 2007, 01:09 PM

Thanks. Don't worry, I am strong and will be strong.

要坚强！要振作！

Becks

Jun 6th, 2007, 07:21 PM

Go to the doctor and get a pap smear and std test. If you are clear, make sure you use a condom with your husband because there is a very big possibility that he has been having an affair. He may have given you an unexpected surprise. This happens to a lot of women!!!!!!!!! :mad:

PuppyB

Jun 7th, 2007, 04:47 PM

Thanks for the reminding, but that would not be an issue. But still thanks for the words.

Go to the doctor and get a pap smear and std test. If you are clear, make sure you use a condom with your husband because there is a very big possibility that he has been having an affair. He may have given you an unexpected surprise. This happens to a lot of women!!!!!!!!! :mad:

weedb0y

Jun 7th, 2007, 05:06 PM

Thanks. Things are now getting more clear, since I insist to sell house firstly and live apart and he agrees too, he is also not caring about my feeling as well, keeps his co-worker "friendship" more open now.

Anyway, I believe I am making a correct decision and thanks again for listening to me, and sorry for the earlier confusion because my emotion was devastating since last week.

The fact that he has no remorse for his failed marriage does lead me to think that he's emotionally attached with someone else. If he had been begging to fix things, then I would say to wait and give it time. Marriages are hard to maintain and they are certainly nothing like bf/gf relationships that you can break/make on daily basis.

Sorry to hear this.

Jucius Maximus

Jun 7th, 2007, 07:41 PM

When we fought I always blamed him saying only very low class people doing that, so he was very mad. PLS HELP...

Firstly, your husband is the main person with the problem because he's going behind your back and doing financially irresponsible things, and lying to you about specific financial facts.

That said, this method of negotiating and debating with him is absolutely counterproductive and will only push you apart. Do you think that insulting someone is a good way of trying to get them to see your point of view? Regardless, this guys sounds pretty messed up and I hope you don't waste too much of your life on him.

I don't think the majority "Western" people like debt or go to payday loan companies. Some do, some don't. "Westerners" is a huge blanket term and you can't make generalisations.

rdtx2002

Jun 7th, 2007, 09:01 PM

D00d..how do you even know this is real or is the truth? For all you know..she could be the husband in her story but whatever...she should be talking to friends and family about this anyways.

it's quite real after talking and 'verifying' her story. I'm asian, she is asian. I can tell from 'talking' to her if her story is real or fake.

as for friends and family.. you know it's hard for a new immigrant to uproot ALL their friends and try to make ones here. What is more tough is making a 'good' friend that will listen to all your problems.

as for calling people back home.. it's something she has done and they can only do so much. they are miles away, what can they do but listen? They don't know the culture here, they don't understand law and way of life, there is not much they can do but listen.

rdtx2002

Jun 7th, 2007, 09:05 PM

I never said here in Canada...isn't this important enought to call people back home?

I'm not trying to be mean or anything..sometimes you have to look at things from other perspectives..sometimes it makes you realize what you really need to do (or not do) because you know how it looks from another side.

i think the other side is quite clear.. the dude is a deadbeat.. he can't manage his debt and is combative when approached about this subject.

PuppyB

Jun 7th, 2007, 10:17 PM

I totally agree with you and also I did not mean to offend most local/western people, since from here RFD forum, it is obvious that there have so many intelligent people know how to manage their financials and I do learn a lot from you guys.

I did not waste my time anymore. Last monday I found the hotel bill and then disclosed the thing that made me heartbroken, today our house is already in market FS.

Firstly, your husband is the main person with the problem because he's going behind your back and doing financially irresponsible things, and lying to you about specific financial facts.

That said, this method of negotiating and debating with him is absolutely counterproductive and will only push you apart. Do you think that insulting someone is a good way of trying to get them to see your point of view? Regardless, this guys sounds pretty messed up and I hope you don't waste too much of your life on him.

I don't think the majority "Western" people like debt or go to payday loan companies. Some do, some don't. "Westerners" is a huge blanket term and you can't make generalisations.

fenrus

Jun 7th, 2007, 10:44 PM

this thread totally sounds like something off a soap opera.

but yeah, you can't treat money like your play thing. especially when you don't have it. and being defensive about talking about finances doesn't help things.

PuppyB

Jun 9th, 2007, 01:39 PM

Now things have been cooled down for a while, and we are trying to sell our house so we can live apart. Sometimes I am thinking marriage is hard to maintain, the way I pointed out or corrected his financial behavior may not be appropriate, but betraying love is definitely not acceptable....

justlam_

Jun 9th, 2007, 05:35 PM

R u hawt? if yes, i say u cheat on him to get back at him ....... with me

barqy

Jun 9th, 2007, 07:52 PM

he should stop watching those money mart commercials

i guess they are *quite* influencial

najibs

Jun 9th, 2007, 08:12 PM

Yes, those kind of place. I have been only here(Toronto) over 4 years, and I dont why my husband has that kind of habbit, some people told me most western people do the same thing, is is correct? SORRY, NO OFFEND, just recently my whole world is up side down, and my heart is broken.

I haven't read all 8 pages of this thread, jsut the first posts, but...

Your world has turned upside down, and you're on the brink of divorce because your husband has a habit of going for those quick Cash Loans and because he hid a few of his debts???

Wow, talk about shallow!

If you feel like divorcing your husband because of something as ridiculous as this, I think you're the one with the problems, and not him. There's worse things to worry about in a relationship, like trust and infidelity. I mean, sure , he went behind your back, but it's not like he's cheated. If something as small as this can put your marriage on the rocks, then you have issues.

Good marriages get through far worse problems, and emerge more powerful. There are far worse things in life that can tear a marriage apart. I think this is ridiculous.

PuppyB

Jun 9th, 2007, 10:19 PM

When you continue to read the pages you will find out why I was devastating.

I haven't read all 8 pages of this thread, jsut the first posts, but...

Your world has turned upside down, and you're on the brink of divorce because your husband has a habit of going for those quick Cash Loans and because he hid a few of his debts???

Wow, talk about shallow!

If you feel like divorcing your husband because of something as ridiculous as this, I think you're the one with the problems, and not him. There's worse things to worry about in a relationship, like trust and infidelity. I mean, sure , he went behind your back, but it's not like he's cheated. If something as small as this can put your marriage on the rocks, then you have issues.

Good marriages get through far worse problems, and emerge more powerful. There are far worse things in life that can tear a marriage apart. I think this is ridiculous.

masterhapposai

Jun 9th, 2007, 10:37 PM

When you continue to read the pages you will find out why I was devastating.

if you want to sure, hire a private investigator

that's how we do things here in the "western world". it will put your mind at ease, but cost a few hundred dollars

there's no question the dude's cheating with that hotel story. but, if you really want to be sure you can get the P.I's to spy a bit on him, just make sure they do it when he's doing one of these supposed all nighters

btw, if you asked me to do a second job to support the family I'd divorce you. maybe he doesn't have the guts to do that and just decided to cheat instead.

do you have kids? this is quite the mess you're leading them into. most kids would prefer to have both parents. counselling is advisable

Piccolo

Jun 9th, 2007, 10:55 PM

LOL! Who the heck would like to get into debt???

People trying to keep up in the Rat Race.

Sprite_TM

Jun 9th, 2007, 10:55 PM

this is a no brainer, why even come here to ask for advice? obviously the answer is u should divorce.

unless u want some support from RFDers saying u should continue to stay with him

Piccolo

Jun 9th, 2007, 11:17 PM

lol, only asians hate debt, white people like debt

lol what a very silly narrow minded statement.
I am white - i hate debt. I know many people of all different backgrounds some will spend and not care about their debt (including asians) and others with be smart about their money.

I didn't know there was a stereotype about debt and white people and asian's till i read this thread about marriage problems.
THAT is something i could assume: MEN like debt.

grant

Jun 10th, 2007, 12:00 AM

I haven't read all 8 pages of this thread, jsut the first posts, but...
Maybe you should, before you start passing judgement.

Wow, talk about shallow!
Wow, talk about not being qualified to comment!

PuppyB

Jun 10th, 2007, 09:37 AM

Sorry this post may have a little to lead into stereotype, which I really did not mean to.

The thing is we fought a lot before, especially from December 06 when he told me his unpaid off car leasing, some collect agency letters, some cash loan debt...etc. However, I fought with him not because of those existing debts, was because he should have told me earlier, and his explaination was he has man's pride....blah blah. Until two weeks ago I found the hotel bill and also he admitted that he and his female coworker are friends but the hotel bill was not his business, he just dropped the lady...etc.

Anyway, I came here to vent, firstly because I want to get opnions from guy's viewpoint, also, since I really don't have lots of friends and any family members here.

lol what a very silly narrow minded statement.
I am white - i hate debt. I know many people of all different backgrounds some will spend and not care about their debt (including asians) and others with be smart about their money.

I didn't know there was a stereotype about debt and white people and asian's till i read this thread about marriage problems.
THAT is something i could assume: MEN like debt.

almostfreeman

Jun 10th, 2007, 09:54 AM

Sorry this post may have a little to lead into stereotype, which I really did not mean to.

You mean it's not a hoax? :D

PuppyB

Jun 10th, 2007, 10:06 AM

I wished it was just a nightmare, but it is really happening on me.>:( Right now we are proceeding our separation/divorce, since I found out his disappearing love two weeks ago, I am still feel painful although not as worse as last two weeks.

You mean it's not a hoax? :D

PuppyB

Jun 10th, 2007, 10:10 AM

I told him I would mind doing a second job after work but he said he did not want me.

We were newly married...not kids yet although originally plan to have, but now it is all gone.

btw, if you asked me to do a second job to support the family I'd divorce you. maybe he doesn't have the guts to do that and just decided to cheat instead.

do you have kids? this is quite the mess you're leading them into. most kids would prefer to have both parents. counselling is advisable

getmail99

Jun 11th, 2007, 01:46 AM

What a story, reading all 8 pages.

Just go ahead with the divorce.

I am just thinking. The affair may be because he did not like his wife checking on him (for example, his financial mess) all the time, and he started to seek some other women.

But don't be upset. This was not your fault to check on him. You was helping him. He is just immature. 30 years old and is still like that. Should kick his ass.

Oh one more thing, don't be upset with the other woman, she will pay the price if she stays with him. ;)

haowong

Jun 11th, 2007, 08:00 AM

Women here don't take that kind of crap from men... well, they shouldn't anyways!

ricoboxing

Jun 11th, 2007, 08:09 AM

if you get divorced are you afraid that immigration might take your visa away and get deported?

thats the only reason i can see you staying with this bum.

if your already a cdn. citizen, then 4get this post.

PuppyB

Jun 11th, 2007, 10:04 AM

I was totally independent immigrant before I met him and always having a decent job. At that time I still believed love, and felt lucky to meet him since he treated me like a princess...

if you get divorced are you afraid that immigration might take your visa away and get deported?

thats the only reason i can see you staying with this bum.

if your already a cdn. citizen, then 4get this post.

PuppyB

Jun 11th, 2007, 10:08 AM

A couple days we talked as friends, he told me his "close female friend" has been married 3 years and has a 6 years old daughter, and he does not want to ruin her marriage. Now I am so confused about what my husband was thinking, obviously their so-call friendship has ruined our marriage. The lady kept calling my husband when he was at home, called him at midnight, early morning...etc. Anyway I don't care anymore, just want to finish asap.

What a story, reading all 8 pages.

Just go ahead with the divorce.

I am just thinking. The affair may be because he did not like his wife checking on him (for example, his financial mess) all the time, and he started to seek some other women.

But don't be upset. This was not your fault to check on him. You was helping him. He is just immature. 30 years old and is still like that. Should kick his ass.

Oh one more thing, don't be upset with the other woman, she will pay the price if she stays with him. ;)

Blunt

Jun 11th, 2007, 10:28 AM

I am just thinking. The affair may be because he did not like his wife checking on him (for example, his financial mess) all the time, and he started to seek some other women.

If this is what you come up with after thinking, please STOP :!: and please don't do it again..

PuppyB

Jun 11th, 2007, 10:29 AM

What does that mean?:?:

If this is what you come up with after thinking, please STOP :!: and please don't do it again..

rdtx2002

Jun 11th, 2007, 10:59 AM

PuppyB

Jun 11th, 2007, 11:03 AM

Can you explain more? Sometimes I guess I really don't understand man's thinking.

if he can opening admit that he does not want to ruin her marriage, that means there is something going on.

toalan

Jun 11th, 2007, 11:18 AM

I have to say that the OP seems very level headed in this situation, she still refers to her husband as "husband" not "!@#$%", and she does not sound overly bitter given the circumstances. A strong woman with a good heart, you will definitley be a great catch for the right man.

PuppyB

Jun 11th, 2007, 11:22 AM

Thank you so much for the support. There have some members PM me for kind words and thank them again. For me, after shocked by the cruel reality, what I need to do is just being positive, looking forward and moving on. I just need to do what I am supposed to do.

I have to say that the OP seems very level headed in this situation, she still refers to her husband as "husband" not "!@#$%", and she does not sound overly bitter given the circumstances. A strong woman with a good heart, you will definitley be a great catch for the right man.

PuppyB

Jun 11th, 2007, 11:36 AM

The funny thing is I surfed RFD forum a lot from the beginning of this year because I wanted to get more knowledge how to manage household financing...investment tips...etc.

toalan

Jun 11th, 2007, 11:42 AM

From a guys perspective, I can understand the mentality of cheating. Sometimes you can have the best intentions, and somehow some way you end up in bed with another woman. It is not you, it is him, no matter who he is with he will always have that desire to cheat. He probably is a very nice guy, a very kind guy who has a heart of gold, but some guys just can not help it. It is almost like an addiction for some guys.

If he spends more than he makes and does cheat, then it might be a mental thing. Maybe his spending and cheating fills some emotional/mental void.

The OP already said they she has no family in Canada and really no one to turn to, so it is understandable that she would seek out support and advice on RFD.

In situations like these really bring out a person's true colors, if the OP is level headed and still good natured in such bad circumstances she must be an awesome person in general. I honestly would not be as strong as you are, so I have to salute you.

Blunt

Jun 11th, 2007, 11:42 AM

What does that mean?:?:

I was just saying the Getmail99 post is absolutly ridiculous.

mcg

Jun 11th, 2007, 11:43 AM

Hmm interesting, I usually browse RFD to let my $ go down the drain in the BST forum!

getmail99

Jun 11th, 2007, 12:14 PM

If this is what you come up with after thinking, please STOP :!: and please don't do it again..

ok, I will stop thinking. :cheesygri

Of course, he is so immature, she should divorce him, I just tried to see the turning point. I am not blaming her. I am blaming him right from the start. That is nothing wrong with the woman checking on the husband. Just he is so immature that he wants to seek other woman if because of this.

Well, I think (sorry I think again, I cannot stop doing that) the OP PuppyB is a nice woman who listens and responded to me and did not find me ridiculous.

PuppyB, give me your phone number after your divorce. :cheesygri , just kidding, LOL, PuppyB, enjoy your new life.

Blunt

Jun 11th, 2007, 12:49 PM

ok, I will stop thinking. :cheesygri

Of course, he is so immature, she should divorce him, I just tried to see the turning point. I am not blaming her. I am blaming him right from the start. That is nothing wrong with the woman checking on the husband. Just he is so immature that he wants to seek other woman if because of this.

Well, I think (sorry I think again, I cannot stop doing that) the OP PuppyB is a nice woman who listens and responded to me and did not find me ridiculous.

PuppyB, give me your phone number after your divorce. :cheesygri , just kidding, LOL, PuppyB, enjoy your new life.

I don't know.. maybe PuppyB will start checking on you (for example, your financial mess) all the time, and you might start to see other women. Yes.. all that checking forces you to seek other women. Right... ;)

PuppyB

Jun 11th, 2007, 01:00 PM

I just wish my next partner (if I still will have the mood to look for) would have even have more financial intelligence than me. For my understanding after what happened, only couples have same goal will maintain their marriage happily. If not, how the marriage will last if both of them do things in reverse way.

I don't know.. maybe PuppyB will start checking on you (for example, your financial mess) all the time, and you might start to see other women. Yes.. all that checking forces you to seek other women. Right... ;)

monomono

Jun 11th, 2007, 01:42 PM

I don't know why he does not agree to get divorce

Because he's a loser and you're too good for him.

getmail99

Jun 11th, 2007, 02:04 PM

I just wish my next partner (if I still will have the mood to look for) would have even have more financial intelligence than me. For my understanding after what happened, only couples have same goal will maintain their marriage happily. If not, how the marriage will last if both of them do things in reverse way.

That is my point. The couples should have the same goal. Otherwise, sooner or later it will not work out, does not matter there is "checking" or not. The immature person cannot handle the "checking" and it "forces" the immature to look somewhere else earlier.

Good Luck, since you have decided, don't think about it and enjoy.

PuppyB

Jun 11th, 2007, 04:46 PM

I recalled this year when I coincidentally found out his a few old cash loan agreements that back in 2005, I just told him I did not care these old ones but he should tell me from now on and should not approach those places anymore. Now, I guess it is just his life behaviour, and sometimes I tried to tell myself it is normal and there have lots of regular (?) people doing the same thing......I guess it is not normal.

PuppyB

Jun 24th, 2007, 03:42 PM

Just want to thank you for your kind words and support before, let me feel much warmer while no family or friends here when those horrible things happen to me. To give you the update regarding what is going on, we went to lawyer to sign the joint divorce paper this afternoon.

On the way going there, he said he did not want to go but I insisted that both of us had agreed to get divorce done. Since May 28 I found out the affair which made me heartbroken, plus I am really tired to manage/clean his debt mess, now this is the ending.

Also I have noticed he wrote love letters to his so-call coworker friend (how IMMATURE he is), since she looks like still choosing her husband instead of him. In letters, he said he loves her too much, misses her like crazy, and will feel regret if they let each other go. When I saw the letters I just feel it is too funny and makes me want divorce done ASAP. Somehow the woman is around 8 years older than him, with 6 years daughter, don't know what he is thinking about. Till today he still insists they are only talking (although they talked a lot, this month his cellphone bill is up to $400), even last Monday according to his CC transaction record they went to a hotel to TALK. And almost every two days he and his "coworker friend" are having dining out at the restaurants close to their workplace.

Anyway, now it is ending now.

chococrazy

Jun 24th, 2007, 06:22 PM

Good riddance. Time to move on. You did the right thing.

frogger

Jun 24th, 2007, 06:51 PM

I'm glad you were able to finalize the divorce and can now move on with your life with a fresh start.

PuppyB

Jun 24th, 2007, 06:56 PM

Thanks. The last 4 weeks were the darkest time in my life, also were dramatic too. The only positive point is that I found out so early about his affair so I can be off with him/marriage without kid involved.

I'm glad you were able to finalize the divorce and can now move on with your life with a fresh start.

Alvito

Jun 24th, 2007, 07:06 PM

i'd borrow money if i had to, from relatives, 0% interest pay it back when i can.

dont get a divorce, try to work things out :D

gman

Jun 24th, 2007, 07:15 PM

This is good news (I always look at the bright side). It is better your ex-husband did that (instead of covering up better) so that there is no if for you any more. Congrat for your new life.

PuppyB

Jun 24th, 2007, 07:20 PM

If my ex-husband would have your financial ideas I may think twice before getting divorce.

Beside his current debt - a old CC bill small amount due, CCRA owing, car leasing company owing after possessing, a few cash load places debt (who knows how many other he did not tell me yet), he has swiped his current CC card like crazy because he has been dinning out with his so call coworker every two days. Plus the gas fee (he must drive her around, at least every Sunday morning for sure although he said he needs to go to work a few hours every Sunday morning) so now just a few weeks his CC bill has been over $3550, including last cycle aournd $800 is accumulating 18.5% interest now.

i'd borrow money if i had to, from relatives, 0% interest pay it back when i can.

dont get a divorce, try to work things out :D

getmail99

Jun 25th, 2007, 12:54 AM

That is good news, so quick. Can I have your phone number please? ;)

Just kidding :cheesygri , and you are looking for a part time job to fill up your time. Good for you.

weedb0y

Jun 25th, 2007, 01:08 AM

i'd borrow money if i had to, from relatives, 0% interest pay it back when i can.

dont get a divorce, try to work things out :D

Thats true as well. I am one of those anti-divorce as well because I know that there is no one perfect out there and its just a transition period. However, in her case, she has proof that her husband is physically in love with another woman, so he wont even put an effort to save his marriage.

Unless, if this is not as she perceives things to be.

rdtx2002

Jun 25th, 2007, 01:09 AM

Just want to thank you for your kind words and support before, let me feel much warmer while no family or friends here when those horrible things happen to me. To give you the update regarding what is going on, we went to lawyer to sign the joint divorce paper this afternoon.

On the way going there, he said he did not want to go but I insisted that both of us had agreed to get divorce done. Since May 28 I found out the affair which made me heartbroken, plus I am really tired to manage/clean his debt mess, now this is the ending.

Also I have noticed he wrote love letters to his so-call coworker friend (how IMMATURE he is), since she looks like still choose her husband instead of him. In letters, he said he loves her too much, miss her like crazy, and will feel regret if they let each other go. When I saw the letters I just feel it is too funny and makes me want divorce done ASAP. Somehow the woman is around 8 years older than him, don't know what he is thinking about. Till today he still insists they are only talking (although they talked a lot, this month his cellphone bill is up to $400), even last Monday according to his CC transaction record they went to a hotel to TALK. And almost every two days he and his "coworker friend" are having dining out at the restaurants close to their workplace.

Anyway, now it is ending now.

hmm....

rdtx2002

Jun 25th, 2007, 01:11 AM

Thats true as well. I am one of those anti-divorce as well because I know that there is no one perfect out there and its just a transition period. However, in her case, she has proof that her husband is physically in love with another woman, so he wont even put an effort to save his marriage.

Unless, if this is not as she perceives things to be.

considering the guy does not take the proactive approach and deal with his 'demons' (debt), there it's just going to keep spiraling down to bankruptcy eventually... If one side is not 'eager' to fix their problems, why should the other one keep trying.

seeing that the 'affair' is being more evident... it's the best thing she can do.

ShaTR

Jun 25th, 2007, 01:27 AM

A lot of people seem to have no problem with huge mortgages. Immigrants in particular. :lol:

LOL are you kidding me. any morgage no matter how big is better than paying rent homie. and morgate = cheap money anyways. i don't understand the retards that rent instead of paying a morgage. or the idiots that pay off their house early, but take an 8% car loan. Immagrants have big morgages because the earlier you stop renting, the earlier your start investing in what is usually the biggest and best investment of your life.

payday loans are stupid yes, but building credit is a very good thing in this society. And from a business perspective, debt is very good, as it raises your cashflow. no matter what, your going to have enough A/R, so you may as well have lots of A/P too. thats the cheapest money you can get.

anyways, i'm done my little rant. g'luck with ur situation PuppyB.

PuppyB

Jun 25th, 2007, 09:57 AM

I totally understand if debt comes from business it would be a good debt, just like a mortgage, it is a GOOD debt. But for my ex-hus, according to his financial habits, he only thinks about how to get through today never thinks about any results coming from today's action/behavior, that is why he went to cash mart, union cash those kind of places, and did not care owing CC money while being charged high interest. When he was single it was his problem. But when got married and when I was aware of his debt issues, I need to correct his habit and tried to fill in the debt hole in order to improve the cashflow of household. However, although I told him SO MANY times why I was doing that, he listened and may not understand totally. That is why we fought a lot before and he said he felt pressure and made him "TALK" to another woman.

In February Winter time when the car leasing company sent him registered mails which looked like document from court (he said it is fake court document). I asked him to pick up but he did not care. For me, I was so worrying about his debt so I went to postoffice to pick up for always, and I DONT DRIVE...

What I am trying to say is he even does not care his financial mess but I care too much because of it does impact our household cashflow. Plus I found out his affair and he even did not try to say sorry about what he did (because he insists nothing wrong with him), there has no reason I still keep the marriage going on.

payday loans are stupid yes, but building credit is a very good thing in this society. And from a business perspective, debt is very good, as it raises your cashflow. no matter what, your going to have enough A/R, so you may as well have lots of A/P too. thats the cheapest money you can get.

anyways, i'm done my little rant. g'luck with ur situation PuppyB.

rdtx2002

Jun 25th, 2007, 10:55 AM

LOL are you kidding me. any morgage no matter how big is better than paying rent homie. and morgate = cheap money anyways. i don't understand the retards that rent instead of paying a morgage. or the idiots that pay off their house early, but take an 8% car loan. Immagrants have big morgages because the earlier you stop renting, the earlier your start investing in what is usually the biggest and best investment of your life.

payday loans are stupid yes, but building credit is a very good thing in this society. And from a business perspective, debt is very good, as it raises your cashflow. no matter what, your going to have enough A/R, so you may as well have lots of A/P too. thats the cheapest money you can get.

anyways, i'm done my little rant. g'luck with ur situation PuppyB.

calling people that rent retards only makes yourself a ******.

It's all about budget and spending power. what use is a mortgage if you can't afford it?

ShaTR

Jun 25th, 2007, 01:51 PM

calling people that rent retards only makes yourself a ******.

It's all about budget and spending power. what use is a mortgage if you can't afford it?

oh please, if you can afford to rent, you can afford to pay a mortgage. the only diff is those who rent don't have the cash saved up for a down payment on a property, have bad credit, other debts, etc etc.

Fine, i'll admit, not everyone who rents is a ******. Many are just saving up the funds. others are always moving around, perhaps for work. but if you live in the same area for many years and you're still renting..... kinda retarted. live cheap, save up, then buy. not that difficult.

toalan

Jul 3rd, 2007, 10:47 PM

Is this considered a happy ending?

Congrats PubbyB, that divorce happened in record time.

Regards,

Alan To

rdtx2002

Jul 3rd, 2007, 11:02 PM

Fine, i'll admit, not everyone who rents is a ******. Many are just saving up the funds. others are always moving around, perhaps for work. but if you live in the same area for many years and you're still renting..... kinda retarted. live cheap, save up, then buy. not that difficult.

agreed.. for the short term.. it's not too bad to rent.. but if you are going to be stationary for 5+ years.. might as well buy

chickenbones

Jul 3rd, 2007, 11:27 PM

You should get an RFD husband. Mostly cheap bastards. Will not shop w/o a coupon or price match. Will buy 99 cents worth of gum on CC for Air Miles. Of course no CC debt and too cheap to rent a hotel for affairs.

squall458

Jul 4th, 2007, 01:11 AM

oh please, if you can afford to rent, you can afford to pay a mortgage. the only diff is those who rent don't have the cash saved up for a down payment on a property, have bad credit, other debts, etc etc.

Fine, i'll admit, not everyone who rents is a ******. Many are just saving up the funds. others are always moving around, perhaps for work. but if you live in the same area for many years and you're still renting..... kinda retarted. live cheap, save up, then buy. not that difficult.

I have to disagree with you. Your statement are too generalized. What if you are couple and rent because the relationship is not serious enough yet for a home together. What if you are single and just need a small room, esp. for guys. You suggest they buy a condo just because its a mortgage instead of rent? Immigrants tend to have large families and more incomes to pay down the mortgage. Renters tend to be singles/couples.

Narci

Jul 4th, 2007, 12:10 PM

Yeah...renting can be good.

For example, housing market is high right now but you have the cash to buy a house/condo. Rent for a year or so till the housing market starts to slow down or drop. You'll see people fireselling thier houses because they can't afford the interest/mortgage because they spent too much of thier income on thier mortgage. You would be in a great position because prices are lower and because you have cash on hand. Cash is king in the housing market.

It also depends on where you live. In Vancouver...good luck buying a house. In TO, houses are more reasonable (comparitively speaking) and abundant. There is no more land in Vancouver to build houses.

grant

Jul 4th, 2007, 12:40 PM

oh please, if you can afford to rent, you can afford to pay a mortgage.
Where i live, rent is about 50% of home ownership costs.

Maybe you can afford twice as much as your current rent payment, but many cannot.

PuppyB

Jul 4th, 2007, 03:06 PM

What does that mean? :confused:

You guys dont know what happened last few weeks. My (now) exhusband not only had dinning out with the old woman and also drove around a lot (the gas fees showed that), he just bought a Tissot watch for her and also purchased a set of sofas that the woman screwed up the order so he took the responsiblity to buy them off (which totally did not make any sense). Now the sofas are at house and he explained he liked the sofas because of very low discount price.!

Of course, he purchased all of them using his CC card. Just one month from I found out affair till today he will be almost maxed out his $6500.00 CC limit.

So one of the reason I speeded up Divorce process because I knew it would happen, and I will not take his liability about that, am I right?

Is this considered a happy ending?

Congrats PubbyB, that divorce happened in record time.

Regards,

Alan To

rdtx2002

Jul 4th, 2007, 03:15 PM

"Just let it go"

whampoa

Jul 4th, 2007, 04:00 PM

A lot of people seem to have no problem with huge mortgages. Immigrants in particular. :lol:

There's a big different between good debt and bad debt.

Mortgage is a good debt because you have to live somewhere, might as well be your own house.

And it actually give you a return unlike some riskier investments.

Borrowing money from your CC, to rent a room at an expensive hotel,

to have an affair with your coworker is definitely a bad debt, especially if it doesn't paid off.

weedb0y

Jul 6th, 2007, 04:40 PM

One thing I would advise you is to only listen to yourself and your heart. Taking advice from other people who have nothing to do with your life will never help. They aren't the ones who will have Divorce attached to them for rest of their life.

Even though you know that he is currently in an affair. Going through divorce now or later will not change things (unless if you are looking for another partner right away). Let him dig a grave for himself for being stupid. Obviously, he hasn't matured enough to be in a marriage.

Just get a lawyer to document your separation, so that you wont be accountable to anything and give it time.

Whats the worst thing people do in situations like these is to make drastic decisions without fully seeing the picture (not that I am saying that you are wrong but later on, you will be 200% sure that you made the right decision).

PuppyB

Jul 6th, 2007, 10:44 PM

Thanks Weedyb0y, I have got lawyer and we made D paper done already June 24. I dont think I regret the decision, since so far he does not show any sincere remorse or effort to save marriage (although he said he was very mad that I wanted to get Divorce without letting him explain.)

In the legal document, one of remarks says any his past or future liability is responsible by him only.

One thing I would advise you is to only listen to yourself and your heart. Taking advice from other people who have nothing to do with your life will never help. They aren't the ones who will have Divorce attached to them for rest of their life.

Even though you know that he is currently in an affair. Going through divorce now or later will not change things (unless if you are looking for another partner right away). Let him dig a grave for himself for being stupid. Obviously, he hasn't matured enough to be in a marriage.

Just get a lawyer to document your separation, so that you wont be accountable to anything and give it time.

Whats the worst thing people do in situations like these is to make drastic decisions without fully seeing the picture (not that I am saying that you are wrong but later on, you will be 200% sure that you made the right decision).

loungegirl

Jul 7th, 2007, 12:48 AM

Based on all the issues you have mentioned, your topic should be "PROBLEMS IN MY MARRIAGE"!!! Your husband's debt habit is just the tip of the iceberg.

LOL, What do you mean? - Asians love Debt! That's why there's such a thing as "Da Ye Lune".

rdtx2002

Jul 7th, 2007, 09:53 AM

PuppyB

Jul 7th, 2007, 11:17 AM

When I post the topic I just discovered my ex's affair one week so I was very shocked and devastated. While deeply grieving the loss of marriage I was thinking how this could happen, is it because we fought too much before about his untold debts, his lies about continuing hiding debts without telling me. But now almost over one month I know it does not matter how miserable marriage it was, there have millions way to resolve the issue, such marriage counselling...etc, cheating or affair is not the excuse for unhappy marriage, or marriage problems.

BTW, I did not mean to offend any local or asian people, just like RFD there have so many financial intelligent people from different background. As of the marriage, EVEN there had no affair appears right now (or assume I did not D him in June), if my ex's finanical/spending behavior does not change, keeps accumulating debts and related interest while I am trying so hard to avoid any cents of interest and trying to fill in the debt hole asap, sooner or later our marriage would not exist.

Based on all the issues you have mentioned, your topic should be "PROBLEMS IN MY MARRIAGE"!!! Your husband's debt habit is just the tip of the iceberg.

LOL, What do you mean? - Asians love Debt! That's why there's such a thing as "Da Ye Lune".

weedb0y

Jul 7th, 2007, 05:35 PM

Personally, the only reason for divorce should be extra-marital sexual affair. Rest can be solved as no one in this world is perfect.

There is no such thing as a perfect husband or a perfect wife.

UrbanPoet

Jul 7th, 2007, 05:45 PM

Personally, the only reason for divorce should be extra-marital sexual affair. Rest can be solved as no one in this world is perfect.

There is no such thing as a perfect husband or a perfect wife.

what about
physical/drug/alcohol abuse or gambling addiction?

loungegirl

Jul 7th, 2007, 07:32 PM

Dai Yi Long.

Thank you. I've never been good at spelling Chinese. (I don't speak Mandarin)

Personally, the only reason for divorce should be extra-marital sexual affair. Rest can be solved as no one in this world is perfect.

There is no such thing as a perfect husband or a perfect wife.

Not every thing can be resolved. And it's not about being the "perfect husband" or the "perfect wife".

weedb0y

Jul 7th, 2007, 07:51 PM

what about
physical/drug/alcohol abuse or gambling addiction?

If your mother/father/brother/family member gets addicted to something? Do you leave them right away? Or do you go through some kind of councilling/rehab to make them a better person? Afterall, the whole purpose of marriage to spend time with your partner for rest of your life. Share every up and down moments with them. Long term vs short term.

People can always change. History has shown us that along with even our judicial system is based on rehabilitation. It is also human nature to make mistakes and Its a human nature to fix themselves as well. Unless if they are pure evil for some mental reasons, then you have a real unsolvable problem. (Mr. Cho from Virgina Tech situation - dead case due to mental problems that were induced by wrong prescribed anti-depressents (That change the mental balance).)

Only in extreme conditions is when there is a mental defact that cannot be fixed and then you know that it was not even their fault but more of a mental illness.

Marriage is not bf/gf official relationship, it is the formation of a 'family'. Family values supercede normal avg human relationships. The bond that you have with your family is different from your closest friend.

weedb0y

Jul 7th, 2007, 07:57 PM

Thank you. I've never been good at spelling Chinese. (I don't speak Mandarin)

Not every thing can be resolved. And it's not about being the "perfect husband" or the "perfect wife".

But it still deserves a try to resolve as opposed to making rash harsh decisions. No wonder our divorce rate is around 50%. I know one thing that OP will be thinking about her marriage for rest of her life. If she's not then, honestly, it wasn't a marriage from day one. Unfortunately for her, her husband is a cheater and has no feelings for her and from what I understand, she hasn't even had one positive step from her husband since their initial fight. The fact that she is still responding to this thread tells everyone that it has affected her in ways that are unimagineble by rest of us. . Poor woman has gone through enough. I give her husband no respect for not even trying to save his marriage. Least he could've done was to discuss their marriage or tell her that he repents from doing anything in order to save his life aka marriage.

That is something that cannot be resolved, however, 99.9% of typical divorce related reasons can be resolved through dedication and commitment. I know initial years of any marriage are real tough. Its called a transition phase for a reason. I know bf/gf relationships don't have transition phases. Either you click or you dont.

People just don't want to try and work on their problems. Its easier to run away then face the problem? That goes for almost everything in life - Education, Finance, Relationships. Every couple goes through it but only the ones that stay dedicated end up positive in the end. I can speak for his from looking at my parents or other marriages in our family. We have had no divorce in our whole family for the past 50-100 years. There been close calls but they were resolved.

Then agian, it could be the Eastern cultural values where people put lot of focus on saving a marriage as opposed to just breaking it off because its not working out in the short term.

PuppyB

Jul 7th, 2007, 07:58 PM

Yes, that is what I told my ex. When he told me those financial mess back in the end of 2006, I was mad and uphappy since he should have told me before getting married. But still I accepted his mess and tried hard to get rid of his debt ASAP, even during early 2007 he still lied and stole a joint account check (No#50 check) to pay back one of his previous cash loan, which I was aware of this specific debt before and already put this in my to-payback list. He gave me the reason that that cash loan place wanted to put him in court but when I went to that place together him, it looked like he still lied to me. So till now I still dont know why he stole our check to pay that debt back earlier.

Again, till I found out his affair that totally hit me down. His betrayal, escape from family responsibilities is really unacceptable. The most important is, I dont see any sincere remorse or regret till today. Plus I saw his love letters to that woman making me firm my mind to get D done.

Back in April I did book apt for coulpe/financial counselling, but he did not want to go.

One thing I want to mention, clearly my ex wants to get out of marriage too (that's why i guess he did not show sincere remorse), at least he has told me about that.

Personally, the only reason for divorce should be extra-marital sexual affair. Rest can be solved as no one in this world is perfect.

There is no such thing as a perfect husband or a perfect wife.

weedb0y

Jul 7th, 2007, 08:08 PM

I respect you for trying to save this. You have true honorable values that your husband didn't share.

PuppyB

Jul 7th, 2007, 08:17 PM

Thanks. Sometimes I think, based on a few marriage or infidelity impact articles I've read recently, the behavior of hidding debt, leaving financial mess in his drawers and never dealing with, and this time his escape/run away to other woman to "talking" from family financial or marriage responsibility is just his character or root - always tend to run away, dont like face problem and resolve? Not sure down the road when he is going to change or not. If not changing, as you said before, he is digging his grave.

I respect you for trying to save this. You have true honorable values that your husband didn't share.

PuppyB

Jul 7th, 2007, 08:57 PM

I totally agree and like following two statements.:razz:

You cannot change him and he will not change.

Raise your standards.

Don't be desperate to have a boyfriend / husband / wife.

:arrow:

grant

Jul 8th, 2007, 03:18 AM

If your mother/father/brother/family member gets addicted to something? Do you leave them right away?
No one said anything about "right away".

My ex's brother was a serious drug addict... a real dreg of society... she spent year before & during our relationship trying to help him. Finally it became obvious that he was never going to change, and having him around would only encourage him to steal from his family & cause trouble.

So if my family member gets addicted to something, do I leave them? Yes, after it becomes obvious they won't change it and it's hurting my life.

weedb0y

Jul 8th, 2007, 07:32 PM

No one said anything about "right away".

My ex's brother was a serious drug addict... a real dreg of society... she spent year before & during our relationship trying to help him. Finally it became obvious that he was never going to change, and having him around would only encourage him to steal from his family & cause trouble.

So if my family member gets addicted to something, do I leave them? Yes, after it becomes obvious they won't change it and it's hurting my life.

Thats your value then. I know we dont leave family behind at all.

Nikita

Jul 9th, 2007, 02:28 PM

Thats your value then. I know we dont leave family behind at all.

The thing is, a drug addict or abusive spouse/father WILL end up tearing apart the entire family eventually. Perhaps you've never seen it happen or experienced it in your family, but it happens to so many families. Giving up on that distructive member is always very difficult but often necessary to save the rest of the family from being torn apart. And most families don't do it as soon as they become aware of the problem, but after that one person has already disrupted and hurt the family more than once. It would be wonderful if simply being supportive to an addict actually worked, but in many ways the family ends up enabling the behaviour, doing the addict no favors anyway. Unfortunately in most cases, the person DOES have to hit rock bottom before they'll accept any real help or rehab. These are never easy decisions but most often necessary for everyone involved. The destructive member is not the only family member who needs to be considered or treated with compassion.

weedb0y

Jul 9th, 2007, 03:55 PM

But it has future impact on the later generations as well. I have seen more divorces and family problems in marriages where kids came from already broken families.

I guess we all realize that broken families aren't good and we must do anything and everything to save that from happening to avoid future problems in later generations etc etc.

and yes, I am talking from experience. I have seen marriages saved in my family which were on the verge of breaking apart. Most of the problems are typically communication problems to begin with.

grant

Jul 9th, 2007, 04:05 PM

Most of the problems are typically communication problems to begin with.
Your original question was about addicts, not poor communicators.

weedb0y

Jul 9th, 2007, 04:06 PM

Your original question was about drug addicts, not poor communicators.

it was about commitment in the family. :) as in what causes people to leave family.

PuppyB

Jul 9th, 2007, 04:11 PM

Weedb0y, if you were in my shoes, are you doing the same thing as me, based on the such spouse you have?

it was about commitment in the family. :) as in what causes people to leave family.

CSK'sMom

Jul 9th, 2007, 04:19 PM

PuppyB

Jul 9th, 2007, 04:28 PM

The saddest thing is that ex admitted he is having feeling for her, even he did not want second chance coz at this point he must still in the FOG. And he wants to be off marriage too. Also I have read the LOVE LETTERS he wrote to her, saying he loves her too much, he was heart ache since she still chooses her husband...etc.

Also, before signing D paper, my ex did not show any remorse and kept swiping his CC to pursue the woman, buying her gift, dinning out with her (he admitted too), staying in hotel (which he admitted too) till CC maxed out, are those proofs enough? If you were me, you will accept all, and still being a doormate wife?

As I said before, I can accept his financial mess, but infidelity and cheating is not acceptable.

Well I can say as someone who has been married for 19 years I wouldn't be jumping on divorce the way you did. From what you posted here you never did get any real confirmation that your husband was having an affair other than your suspicions. As someone older I tend to see too many 20 and 30 somethings who jump to sign those divorce papers as soon as there is the slightest hint of problems. Most go on to have multiple marriages and continue with the pattern. They never took their vows seriously and don't truly understand what commitment means. As Weedboy has said, it is a vicious cycle that repeats itself through the generations....

CSK'sMom

Jul 9th, 2007, 04:37 PM

It takes a far stronger person to actually work through the problems than run and file for divorce. As Doctor Phil would say, you have absolutely not earned the right to leave the marriage. Leaving the marriage should be an absolute last choice after all other avenues are exhausted. That means individual and couple counseling, financial counseling, etc. I sincerely hope you put more thought into getting married next time than you did getting divorced.

It just strikes me that between your first post about his bad financial choices and filing for divorce was roughly about 2 weeks. To me that is a ridiculous quick decision that speaks volumes about maturity and commitment. I happen to know several marriages that have survived full blow affairs, not puppylove infatuations like your hubby. Crap happens in life and if you always choose to run at the first sign of trouble that cycle will follow you until you address it head on....

PuppyB

Jul 9th, 2007, 04:45 PM

Before the affair back in early April I booked the appointment for financial counselling but he WOULD NOT go. After finding out affair and before signing paper, I asked whether he wanted to go to Marriage counselling with me but he responded saying those people are useless and can not help. Also he told me recently "do not change him".

I have tried enough....

It takes a far stronger person to actually work through the problems than run and file for divorce. As Doctor Phil would say, you have absolutely not earned the right to leave the marriage. Leaving the marriage should be an absolute last choice after all other avenues are exhausted. That means individual and couple counseling, financial counseling, etc. I sincerely hope you put more thought into getting married next time than you did getting divorced.

It just strikes me that between your first post about his bad financial choices and filing for divorce was roughly about 2 weeks. To me that is a ridiculous quick decision that speaks volumes about maturity and commitment. I happen to know several marriages that have survived full blow affairs, not puppylove infatuations like your hubby. Crap happens in life and if you always choose to run at the first sign of trouble that cycle will follow you until you address it head on....

weedb0y

Jul 9th, 2007, 04:47 PM

Weedb0y, if you were in my shoes, are you doing the same thing as me, based on the such spouse you have?

Cheater with no remorse is nothing to stick on to. That is not family. Family doesnt back stab repeatedly on top! You made the right decision and I respect you for even being open minded to see if he wanted to fix or not! That took honor. I am saying this after considering that you did give him an opportunity to show remorse that is.

I was talking about general divorces based on stupidist reasons because people are so used to dealing with marriages on the same level as bf/gf relationships.

weedb0y

Jul 9th, 2007, 04:50 PM

Well I can say as someone who has been married for 19 years I wouldn't be jumping on divorce the way you did. From what you posted here you never did get any real confirmation that your husband was having an affair other than your suspicions. As someone older I tend to see too many 20 and 30 somethings who jump to sign those divorce papers as soon as there is the slightest hint of problems. Most go on to have multiple marriages and continue with the pattern. They never took their vows seriously and don't truly understand what commitment means. As Weedboy has said, it is a vicious cycle that repeats itself through the generations....

You summed it up pretty perfectly. The cycle continues and trust me on this. A friend of mine's sister was divorced and their whole family thought that the guy was supposdly the most abusive and was the worst guy in the world. Four years later, she is on her 4th marriage because she doesn't want to comprimise or work with problems at all. Her own brother was telling me that they regret that decision.

CSK'sMom

Jul 9th, 2007, 05:04 PM

Before the affair back in early April I booked the appointment for financial counseling but he WOULD NOT go. After finding out affair and before signing paper, I asked whether he wanted to go to Marriage counseling with me but he responded saying those people are useless and can not help. Also he told me recently "do not change him".

I have tried enough....

Puppy, maybe it's just you're writing style but you come across as incredibly demanding and condescending when you write about your hubby. The aim or goal of any marriage should never be to change the other, it should be about compromise and mutual goals in life. If he was not ready for counseling then you should have gone on your own. If nothing else possibly a counselor could have helped you with alternate ways to deal with your hubby as obviously what you were doing wasn't helpful....

Nikita

Jul 9th, 2007, 06:07 PM

Holy hell, there's no end to judging people here is there? The guy cheated on her ffs, repeatedly at that, and using their joint monies to do so, doesnt' regret it, wants to be with the other woman (so obviously doesn't love her), lied about thier finances, refused to get any sort of financial or marital counselling, refused to dispute the divorce or try in any way whatsoever to make things work himself........yet the OP hasn't 'earned the right to a divorce'?? OMG...I have never heard such ridiculousness, except of course from the marriage counsellor to end all marriage counsellors, the be-all-end-all Dr. Phil! Are you kidding me?? We should make life decisons based on a TV fanatic? Ha! Instead of our own common sense? How the hell would it be better for anyone if she stayed with him? Who's she hurting making a decision for HERSELF only as to how much she can take? In her situation where she has no children and nobody else who will be affected by this decison, she doesn't have to 'earn the right to divorce'. She already has the right and it's not for anyone to take away. I say thank god she didn't wait until there were children in the picture who could be hurt by the husband's actions, or perhaps an STD that he brings home to her, or racks up so much 'marital' debt on the women he's admitting to being in love with, that she's financially screwed. So easy to sit back and judge when either you've never had a problem in your marriage, or, if you really believe you've never had a problem in your marriage you're likely living in blissful ignorance. Also not a good thing to be teaching children. The OP did what was right for her, at the time it was right for her to do it, she has hurt absolutely nobody in doing so.....who the hell has any right to say she did wrong??

Atheral

Jul 9th, 2007, 06:14 PM

CSK'sMom

Jul 9th, 2007, 06:34 PM

So Nakita, how long have you been married?

Say what you will about Dr. Phil but many of the best counselors subscribe to the same theories and thoughts. If one doesn't acknowledge what went wrong, both with themselves and their partner they are doomed to repeat history. Ever hear the expression "She dates the same guy over and over again, he just has a different face"? Take a good, hard, long look at friends, etc. that came from broken homes. How many of those now have broken marriages? Now how many who left at the first sign of a problem have had repeat marriages?

Every marriage has issues at some point in time Nakita, mine is no exception afterall we've been married 19 years and together for 23 years. But, and this is where it becomes a big but, we are both committed to each other and took our vows seriously. It never crossed either of our minds to run as fast as we could to a divorce lawyer. You have to no freaking idea what we are teaching our children and quite frankly it's none of your damn business. But you'll be happy to know that all 3 of our kids are incredible well adjusted, responsible and understand what commitment means and get to see 2 happy parents whose lives revolve around them.

PuppyB

Jul 9th, 2007, 07:06 PM

Yes, did I mention in my pevious post I do go counselling by myself? So now what?

And actually when the counsellor listened my story, she was surprised that I had enough patience not leaving the marriage earlier when my ex lied so many times and was not honest from THE BEGINNING about his financial.... She was saying I am so patient.

As to compromise, I was never a debt person, but as being in the marriage I accepted that and tried to help. But from ex's end he did not compomise anything, did not do any positive steps to compromise my anti-debt goal. But at last, I can not compromise his cheating behavior, no wife I think will allow that happen in their marriages, I guess.

Puppy, maybe it's just you're writing style but you come across as incredibly demanding and condescending when you write about your hubby. The aim or goal of any marriage should never be to change the other, it should be about compromise and mutual goals in life. If he was not ready for counseling then you should have gone on your own. If nothing else possibly a counselor could have helped you with alternate ways to deal with your hubby as obviously what you were doing wasn't helpful....

CSK'sMom

Jul 9th, 2007, 07:14 PM

PuppyB

Jul 9th, 2007, 07:18 PM

I agree. But I guess he would/ will never go anyways, now it will be his destiny to figure out his then.

Keep going to counseling Puppy until you figure out exactly what part you each played in the demise of the marriage. If you want a successful marriage in the future you need to figure out exactly what each of you did and how it could have been handled differently with a different outcome. The last thing you want is to repeat the same mistakes over again with a different person....

grant

Jul 9th, 2007, 07:36 PM

Well I can say as someone who has been married for 19 years I wouldn't be jumping on divorce the way you did.
If you are OK with your husband being in love with another woman, buying her flowers, and spending nights in a hotel with her (there's no "proof" they had sex...) then you're a far stronger woman than most :D

gordholio

Jul 10th, 2007, 12:40 AM

The average Canadian carries quite a bit of debt. We don't save like people did 40 years ago - not at all.
Personally, I have no credit cards and don't want any.
I just find it easier to pay cash for things and buy items only when I can really afford them.
There have been a couple of occasions that I absolutely needed to use a credit card on the internet; my next door neighbour let me use their credit card to do it (while they were there).
I'm not in a position to buy a house, but that's about the only thing (and a car) that I would get a loan for.

PS. I had previous difficulties with credit, so that's why I don't have a credit card.
For some people who can control themselves better, it has many benefits; but a lot of people are in over their heads.

setell

Jul 10th, 2007, 01:32 AM

setell

Jul 10th, 2007, 01:38 AM

Keep going to counseling Puppy until you figure out exactly what part you each played in the demise of the marriage. If you want a successful marriage in the future you need to figure out exactly what each of you did and how it could have been handled differently with a different outcome. The last thing you want is to repeat the same mistakes over again with a different person....

I think she has figured out what is wrong with her marriage: a lying, cheating, spendaholic ex. If she wants a successful marriage in the future she just needs to find a guy that doesn't get himself into debt easily, honest and hopefully won't cheat on her again. Simply as that, plus the guy is a total jerk so I have no idea why on earth you would advocate her not getting a divorce. Being unhappy is a very big problem in a marriage, I'll say more so than debt as you can easily save up to pay off your debt but happiness is harder to achieve.

setell

Jul 10th, 2007, 01:43 AM

So Nakita, how long have you been married?

Number of years being married does not make a person a expert in marriages as they are all different.

Say what you will about Dr. Phil but many of the best counselors subscribe to the same theories and thoughts.

Yes, and they all spout the same crap. There will always be followers or believers of certain things no matter how stupid it may logically be. That's how most things are.

gorf

Jul 10th, 2007, 03:34 AM

:razz:

Stand by Your Man

Sometimes its hard to be a woman
Giving all your love to just one man
You'll have bad times
And he'll have good times
Doing things that you don't understand
But if you love him you'll forgive him
Even though he's hard to understand
And if you love him
Oh be proud of him
'Cause after all he's just a man
Stand by your man
Give him two arms to cling to
And something warm to come to
When nights are cold and lonely
Stand by your man
And tell the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man
Stand by your man
And show the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man

PuppyB

Jul 10th, 2007, 10:01 AM

I read the report before and understand that. Just for my ex's case, he had one credit card with only $700.00 limit but it was suspended by CC company since he did not pay off the overdue amount for long time. As usual, I digged out the document from his Garage trash cabinet (!) back in March 07, then I asked him SO MANY times whether it had been paid off he said yes, always yes. Of course when I called CC company they told me still around $400 sth pending from whole 2006 year. Then I put it into our to-payoff debt list again. Till before the affair discovered, I always tried to manage the household cashflow to pay off at least the minimun amount to maintain his credit score (how ironically he totally does not care but I do care coz I thought we were family or an Union). But now, I don't manage anymore, it is his business.

Also, since he opened another new bank account this year, and I managed the account pretty well, in and out, no bounce check, no overdraft...etc, so the bank gave him to open a CC card with $6500 limit. But now, as you already know, it has been maxed since the beginning of June, and he only paid back around $1000, but it is his business now.

The average Canadian carries quite a bit of debt. We don't save like people did 40 years ago - not at all.
Personally, I have no credit cards and don't want any.
I just find it easier to pay cash for things and buy items only when I can really afford them.
There have been a couple of occasions that I absolutely needed to use a credit card on the internet; my next door neighbour let me use their credit card to do it (while they were there).
I'm not in a position to buy a house, but that's about the only thing (and a car) that I would get a loan for.

PS. I had previous difficulties with credit, so that's why I don't have a credit card.
For some people who can control themselves better, it has many benefits; but a lot of people are in over their heads.

weedb0y

Jul 10th, 2007, 10:30 AM

weedb0y

Jul 10th, 2007, 10:32 AM

I think she has figured out what is wrong with her marriage: a lying, cheating, spendaholic ex. If she wants a successful marriage in the future she just needs to find a guy that doesn't get himself into debt easily, honest and hopefully won't cheat on her again. Simply as that, plus the guy is a total jerk so I have no idea why on earth you would advocate her not getting a divorce. Being unhappy is a very big problem in a marriage, I'll say more so than debt as you can easily save up to pay off your debt but happiness is harder to achieve.

Perception could also be a problem here as well. You will see what you want to see. But i think the main OP did let her explain himself. She didn't assume nor came from a broken family. However, I totally agree that there is significantly higher chance of divorces in kids coming from divorced families. (Specially the women, I am sorry ladies but statistically over 60-70% of times, its always the women who initiate the divorce process).

New Woman Magazine used to adovate divorces in the early 90s to advocate freedom, individualism but after researching the divorce women after 3-4 years into their divorces. Those women were not happy. Hence, the New Woman Magazine changed their sayings. Now they say what Dr. Phil is saying here. LOL I know this because I read about this myself. I have always been interested in physch behind people breaking homes.

getmail99

Jul 11th, 2007, 01:44 AM

we've been married 19 years and together for 23 years. But, and this is where it becomes a big but, we are both committed to each other and took our vows seriously. It never crossed either of our minds to run as fast as we could to a divorce lawyer. You have to no freaking idea what we are teaching our children and quite frankly it's none of your damn business...

I don't know what you try to compare ... How many we and our have you used here? Good for you. How many we can PuppyB use? none.

CSK'sMom

Jul 11th, 2007, 11:01 AM

I don't know what you try to compare ... How many we and our have you used here? Good for you. How many we can PuppyB use? none.

Obviously no comparisons getmail. :rolleyes: It's about the mindset of a marriage. Once those vows are taken it should never be "me" and "I", it's all about "our" and "we"...

weedb0y

Jul 11th, 2007, 11:32 AM

I don't know what you try to compare ... How many we and our have you used here? Good for you. How many we can PuppyB use? none.

Maybe there could be we but her mindset was different? Or vice versa. In cases like these, its always better to take time to make a decision. Let time heal wounds and reduce temperament and both people involved make a informed decision, not a quick hasty one.

Who initiated the process to begin with? Btw, happiness in life does not exist. It is the pursuit to achieve happiness that gets us positive results.

PuppyB

Jul 11th, 2007, 11:41 AM

I wish my ex would have done any positive steps to save the marriage or showed sincere remorse (before we went to lawyer) but he didn't, and also keeps going and going on the reverse way fo destruct everything - marriage, my life, his life and of course his already messed financial (to make his debt deeper and deeper and deeper).

Maybe there could be we but her mindset was different? Or vice versa. In cases like these, its always better to take time to make a decision. Let time heal wounds and reduce temperament and both people involved make a informed decision, not a quick hasty one.

Who initiated the process to begin with? Btw, happiness in life does not exist. It is the pursuit to achieve happiness that gets us positive results.

weedb0y

Jul 11th, 2007, 11:48 AM

I wish my ex would have done any positive steps to save the marriage or showed sincere remorse (before we went to lawyer) but he didn't, and also keeps going and going on the reverse way fo destruct everything - marriage, my life, his life and of course his already messed financial (to make his debt deeper and deeper and deeper).

This discussion is not even about you anymore. In your case, he didn't care for some reason. That is not normal husband like behavior. There's a guy at work whose wife left him after 10 years of marriage and 2 young kids as well! He takes care of his two kids by himself!

Talk about so called 'irrational illogical' decisions.

PuppyB

Jul 11th, 2007, 11:58 AM

Yes, I do think he is abnormal now. Even I was thinking about it is really "amazing" how one person can lie for EVERYTHING and always likes to lie, even for really unnessary stuff.

i.e. For his affair, up-to-today he still insists the coworker is white, but the truth is she is not white woman (probably born here with Ven or Thai family background). But the thing is why even he lies about that, I am not white either, and for me there has no difference about whom they are from.

This discussion is not even about you anymore. In your case, he didn't care for some reason. That is not normal husband like behavior. There's a guy at work whose wife left him after 10 years of marriage and 2 young kids as well! He takes care of his two kids by himself!

Talk about so called 'irrational illogical' decisions.

iridescent

Jul 11th, 2007, 12:12 PM

Yes, I do think he is abnormal now. Even I was thinking about it is really "amazing" how one person can lie for EVERYTHING and always likes to lie, even for really unnessary stuff.

i.e. For his affair, up-to-today he still insists the coworker is white, but the truth is she is not white woman (probably born here with Ven or Thai family background). But the thing is why even he lies about that, I am not white either, and for me there has no difference about whom they are from.

How did you find the love letters? Were they e-mails? Do you have any touch with him now?

I'm glad you were able to move on :) It was very tough what you did, but I know you did the right thing! There's bigger and better for you ahead!

setell

Jul 11th, 2007, 12:42 PM

There's a guy at work whose wife left him after 10 years of marriage and 2 young kids as well! He takes care of his two kids by himself!

Talk about so called 'irrational illogical' decisions.

Um I can give you a tonne of situations where it was for the best that his wife left him and I wouldn't call it a irrational illogical decision. I'm not advocating for people to divorce but if things aren't working out (after trying all possible means to "fix" it) than just walk out. Why stay with someone you just can't possible deal with. Not to be rude but not all marriages are the ones that people in your family have. Some have been very fortunate and some haven't been so fortunate. In my family there is no divorces but I can tell you that all parties would have been a lot happier if they just divorced each other. They won't because they think the way you do, because it's wrong etc..

mpt

Jul 11th, 2007, 12:46 PM

i'm a westerner and I will never visit one of those places. Some people like to live in debt because they can get things they can't afford but not everyone. I love being out of debt (besides mortgage)

PuppyB

Jul 11th, 2007, 01:24 PM

He began to write her love letters one week I discovered his affair, all letters were saying how much he loves her, he is crazy about her, he is ready to be with her but it breaks his heart that she still chooses her husband....etc. Also he wrote she is most important thing in the world for him, anything else is secondary...

To be honest, I made my mind to get Divorce done ASAP when I read those letters. One week after I read his last letter I asked him together to get paper signed.

Last week he told me he loves me and just likes talking to her, never plans to be with the older woman with three kids, but of course I know he was lying again (he did not know I read letters already).

How did you find the love letters? Were they e-mails? Do you have any touch with him now?

I'm glad you were able to move on :) It was very tough what you did, but I know you did the right thing! There's bigger and better for you ahead!

NiKKA

Jul 11th, 2007, 01:35 PM

My husband and I fought a lot during this half year since I found out he has the habbit going to cash loan, and some debt not paying back yet, which I really hate (I am Asian so I don't like debt). Now we are close to get separation/divorce, but still I want to know whether I am too strict with him, and whether here local people like to go to cash loan. When we fought I always blamed him saying only very low class people doing that, so he was very mad. PLS HELP...

You got played...... Plain and simple, he lied to you about everything and then got you to marry him.
In the future i recommend you have a more strict screening process, you have no one to blame but
yourself and i hope you learned your lesson. 6 months, give me a break!

And if you think i am being harsh, it is the truth! and the truth shouldn't hurt.

PuppyB

Jul 11th, 2007, 01:41 PM

Oh no harsh at all, I AM FULLY AWARE OF THAT, even yesterday when I went to the appointment, I laughed myself when talking to the consultant, saying usually I am very cautious when start doing something, work, investment...etc, always like to do research or pre-work. But I did bad pre-work for the most important thing of life - MARRIAGE.

I learnt the lesson and experience...:idea: :idea: :idea: But also when I met him I had only been Canada 19 months, I did not know the debt, over-draft or loan situation here at all. Now I am familiar with that.

You got played...... Plain and simple, he lied to you about everything and then got you to marry him.
In the future i recommend you have a more strict screening process, you have no one to blame but
yourself and i hope you learned your lesson. 6 months, give me a break!

And if you think i am being harsh, it is the truth! and the truth shouldn't hurt.

NiKKA

Jul 11th, 2007, 01:52 PM

Oh no harsh at all, I AM FULLY AWARE OF THAT, even yesterday when I went to the appointment, I laughed myself when talking to the consultant, saying usually I am very cautious when start doing something, work, investment...etc, always like to do research or pre-work. But I did bad pre-work for the most important thing of life - MARRIAGE.

I learnt the lesson and experience...:idea: :idea: :idea:

Well I wish the best of luck to you! I hope you get everything figured out and I
hope you resolve all of it. I really hope you are not even thinking about getting
back together with your husband. Even if he is trying to convince you to stay,
I wouldn't believe a word he has to say now. It is all probably garbage coming
from his mouth.

19 months in Canada, I feel sorry for you because North America is very different
from China. I am Chinese myself and getting a divorce is not a common practice
in Chinese culture while in North American almost 50% of marriages end in divorce.

monomono

Jul 11th, 2007, 01:52 PM

The aim or goal of any marriage should never be to change the other, it should be about compromise

Yes, but within reason.

You are right that there are too many failed marriages where there was not enough commitment. There are also too many cases of women trappped in marriages to abusive, useless and/or disfunctional men. The only reason they don't divorce is because of kids or economic reasons, not because they can compromise or are committed.

PuppyB

Jul 11th, 2007, 01:54 PM

Is my dear mom online now? (joking) Yes, thanks, don't worry, I will never get back with him, that is one of the reason I wanted to get D paper done to avoid further trouble.

Well I wish the best of luck to you! I hope you get everything figured out and I
hope you resolve all of it. I really hope you are not even thinking about getting
back together with your husband. Even if he is trying to convince you to stay,
I wouldn't believe a word he has to say now. It is all probably garbage coming
from his mouth

Nikita

Jul 11th, 2007, 02:09 PM

Obviously no comparisons getmail. :rolleyes: It's about the mindset of a marriage. Once those vows are taken it should never be "me" and "I", it's all about "our" and "we"...

Let's not forget who broke their vows in Puppy's situation. Your blaming and judging the wrong person.

There's nothing noble about martyring oneself by living in an unhappy marriage where your husband shows you absolutely no respect in any aspect of the relationship or even a desire to do so....all in the name of the 'institution of marriage'. I repeat my original question, which you haven't answered. Who has been hurt by PuppyB's decision to divorce? I suspect you didn't answer it because you know the answer.....nobody.

weedb0y

Jul 11th, 2007, 02:17 PM

Well, have we asked him? We cant assume can we?
PuppyB has been affected as you can see. She is still responding to msgs here, trying to justify herself. There is more here at play.

Not saying anything but perception can either the same man the most wonderful man or the worst husband in the world in about 60 seconds.

50% divorce rate isn't going to make this world a happier place either. Law of nature requires some form of relationship (marriage in 99% of the times) to lead a healthy life. (Future generations, emotional, financial and even 'happiness').

Ofcourse, she will marry again? Right? Its the notion that partners need to be more committed and not run away from the first sign of trouble. If you keep a backdoor open, you are bound to run away faster then being pushed out. I know if I am given a way out of a hard thing, I'll take the path of least resistance and marriage isn't about getting away, otherwise, it wouldn't be a such a big thing in people's lives.

ricoboxing

Jul 11th, 2007, 02:18 PM

wow this thread is still going on? puppy u should b on the dr phil show!

Nikita

Jul 11th, 2007, 02:34 PM

wow this thread is still going on? puppy u should b on the dr phil show!

Oh god please, not Dr. Phil again. Don't any of you who advocate him realize his primary job is to get ratings, not to actually help people? No company is going to pay him the big bucks just to help people, but only to use his supposed celeb status to attract viewers.

grant

Jul 11th, 2007, 02:41 PM

Its the notion that partners need to be more committed and not run away from the first sign of trouble.
Many people think your notion of staying married to a cheater & thief is ridiculous.

If you & CSK'sMom would stay in a relationship like that, then we all wish you the best. But don't climb up on your soapbox to complain about people who have higher standards than that!

CSK'sMom

Jul 11th, 2007, 03:20 PM

Grant, it's not about a soapbox, it's about how lightly people take marriage these days. There is very little to no commitment on many peoples part. At the first sign of a rocky road they run as fast as they can to a divorce lawyer. What ever happened to "for better and for worse"? Do you run like hell for the hills if a spouse has a terminal disease? Do you run like hell if a spouse looses a job and money becomes tight to the extent of financial ruin? I know 2 marriages that exactly these things happened. I also know at least 3 marriages that have survived affairs (both puppy love infatuations and full blown affairs over a yr in length). It just seems to me that the line has been moved to the point where the "for better or for worse" now means "as long as life is all rosey and until leaving the toilet seat up annoys me".....

Nakita, my own opinion is that Puppy is ultimately hurting herself by moving so quickly for a divorce...

PuppyB

Jul 11th, 2007, 03:36 PM

As NIKKA said, jumping into the marriage without enough pre-screen was hurting myself, I still dont see any reason to stay in the marriage and let him hurt myself further, based on ALL the fact I said earlier. Do you want me keeping smile when he went to other woman and keeping the miserable marriage? Do you want me to support his crazy spending behavior, maxing out more CC cards and together "compromise" with him to be very "happily" deep in debt? BECAUSE no way to change him, and I dont want change him either. Should he compromise mine as well? Remember, he did not and will not do any positive steps to save marriage.....so now what?

Nakita, my own opinion is that Puppy is ultimately hurting herself by moving so quickly for a divorce...

MS_Project

Jul 11th, 2007, 03:44 PM

Your final decision has been made already (divorce). No point repeating things over and over in this thread about your husband. I'm very surprised this thread has made it this far. Seems like you still love him in some way?

Its time for you to move forward and forget him.

PuppyB

Jul 11th, 2007, 03:50 PM

I agree and I am moving on. Let's close the thread and thanks for all the support and opinion. You guys are really my virtual friends here ;) .

Actually the post was already down to the bottom but somehow there had a mortgage debt, good/bad debt discussion that is why it was brought up again.

Your final decision has been made already (divorce). No point repeating things over and over in this thread about your husband. I'm very surprised this thread has made it this far. Seems like you still love him in some way?

Its time for you to move forward and forget him.

sans

Jul 11th, 2007, 03:58 PM

you did the right thing by divorcing him. anyone who would stay married to someone who's a cheater is ******** beyond help.

i see you've made 3 mistakes:

1) you married him knowing he has no money. bad, very bad. :cheesygri
2) you cleaned up his debt. very, very bad. :cheesygri
3) you didn't know him well enough to marry him. no words to describe this badness. :cheesygri

well, the only thing you did right was walking away. don't ever look back cause he's a loser. let him be someone else's loser and not yours.

weedb0y

Jul 11th, 2007, 04:11 PM

Many people think your notion of staying married to a cheater & thief is ridiculous.

If you & CSK'sMom would stay in a relationship like that, then we all wish you the best. But don't climb up on your soapbox to complain about people who have higher standards than that!

Who is advocating staying with someone who is a cheater? There's more to it then boy girl drama to the marriage. I am sure people who have had 4-5 marriages have real high standards by the time they are in their late 40s. Just look at any dating site, those are the real losers in the end.

The point was to give it time and solve before calling it quits, if it still doesn't work, find out why and then if you cant figure it out even then, then you know the answer yourself. Puppy tried, this is pretaining to other people.

There is no such thing has pure happiness, otherwise, people wouldn't be drinking, smokin, poppin pills etc etc. Its about satisfaction and pursuit in the end.

Nikita

Jul 11th, 2007, 05:37 PM

Nakita, my own opinion is that Puppy is ultimately hurting herself by moving so quickly for a divorce...

Obviously that's her choice to make (and not ours to judge) and apparently staying in the relationship was hurting her more.

getmail99

Jul 11th, 2007, 07:19 PM

As NIKKA said, jumping into the marriage without enough pre-screen was hurting myself, I still dont see any reason to stay in the marriage and let him hurt myself further, based on ALL the fact I said earlier. Do you want me keeping smile when he went to other woman and keeping the miserable marriage? Do you want me to support his crazy spending behavior, maxing out more CC cards and together "compromise" with him to be very "happily" deep in debt? BECAUSE no way to change him, and I dont want change him either. Should he compromise mine as well? Remember, he did not and will not do any positive steps to save marriage.....so now what?

+1, 110% support :)

added this before the thread is locked. :cheesygri